Look, I know us men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In this post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know they are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.
But please, please when it comes to bed, just fuck her.
Get to know your lady:
It may be that with Kimberley, she would honestly appreciate your thoughtfulness. She likes that you want to take things slow. She can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but please, RIDE HER! You’ve done dinner and drinks. You’ve gone dancing. You’ve cuddled and watched a movie. She’s wearing a low cut evening hot-number and you’ve been ogling at her breasts all night. Please, get to it and fuck her.
It may be that if you are with Shanice, please take charge! Please, please fuck her. Trust me, She’s not going to just lie still and die, - She’ll get involved. But don’t make her force your hand into her moistened lingerie. That makes her feel like a rapist. You’ve been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing her ass. That’s nice, but it’s time to move forward. Get on top of her. Don’t make her get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like she’s practicing some crazy new aerobic-yoga-tantra-head-butt because YOU won’t go down on her. Roll right on top and start dry humping like a bad boy should. Don’t get gently sickly on her nipples and then pull back when she moans… Its with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what she wants. It’s not what THEY want.
OK, I know that’scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:
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Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like “I’m sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I’ll go slower.” Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you’re both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it’s not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU’RE the man. Act like one.
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Hey man! Please learn to respect the clit. It’s different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you’re trying to look for your phone done fall into a sewer drain. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Petrol Station for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge-in with a single finger and start jabbing at things like you are poking with Uterine Currette trying to yank her apart, or looking to cut the child inside into chopped pieces, or scraping the vulva sides to remove some residual debris. And if you really don’t know what to do, ask her. Just ask. “How do you like it?”. It’s a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she’s being all coy, ask “Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?” The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.
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Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to “make love” every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it’s not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you’re mixing a cake batter up there. It’s because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder, turn her around like one of those bamburi truck concrete mixers, without getting out of her. Don’t be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am repeating this quoting a raging feminist bitch, but who still wants to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking marathon all the way to her throat from the inside out.
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A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her (“Really? Spanking? Won’t it hurt?” - yes, it does. That’s the fucking point). I know you’ve read Stuff and Maxim, and that’s all those laddie mags talk about in their “How to Please Her” sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don’t have to bend her over one knee and tell her she’s a naughty girl and that Daddy’s going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don’t worry about breaking her hip.
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It’s OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, they feel like they are fucking a hooded ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into her room with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you’re banging a woman, and she’s crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can’t even manage a grunt, she’s going to feel like an idiot. You don’t have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes “Ah!”, half grunt, half yell? Yeah, that one. That’s HOT. Do that. Whisper her name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you’re in missionary position. You don’t have to grunt like a pig staked on a spear, but if you are totally mute, she’s going to get worried.
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Most women, like this Wariah lady in my charge who is a favorite of mine on those night I just feel like fucking someone till I break the kitchen sink, do like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you’d like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, “I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot.” Is she still moaning in response? “Your tits are so beautiful.” Does that work? If she doesn’t respond well to the term “tits”, you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, try the following:
“Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight.”
“You’re so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?”
“I think I’m going to come inside you. I’m going to fill up your little cunt.” Even if she is big as as an army tent in there. It doesn’t matter that you’re wearing a condom; they LOVE hearing this.
If all of those work, you can then progress to things like “sexy little bitch” and “dirty whore”. Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.
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You’re not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she’s not obligated to choke on your dick. Don’t skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.
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Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, they hate them. Trust us. They hurt them more than they hurt you. But they don’t want to be preggers, and you don’t want to catch anything, right? Don’t whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can’t come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help her figure out what to do with you once she’s satisfied and it’s time for you to let loose your load.
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She really likes it when you come. It’s called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don’t assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for her, so there’s no need to deprive her of it, but please do consult her before unleashing. “I think I’m going to come - how do you like it?” is a fair question that shouldn’t rob you of your testicles.
Remember, if you are going to fuck a lady like Mimi, just don’t forget that in her recent memory, She has been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, with a cucumber load that unleashes geyser like a waterpump from the fire department, and again she has been fucked by… well, fucked is the wrong term here. She’s been penetrated by a total and utter wuss, from the pencils department. Who is she gonna run back to when her hormones go raging and she’s ready for her fill? Manly McHardon Roughrider, that’s who!!!