Holiday season for side hens and side families

[TrumanCapote]

So the festive season is the most depressing time of the year for side hens and side families. The man is busy with his main family and there you are wishing he would be there with you and your little love child who won’t stop asking why daddy doesn’t spend the holidays with you guys like other dads.

If you have ever had a friend in this predicament you know it’s like a drug addict. They hate it but they won’t stop it.

The difference is that for me I can differentiate between my feelings and the reality on the ground. Which means that I could fall in love with the devil himself but he wouldn’t be able to harm me because I wouldn’t make any decisions regarding the relationship based on the feelings I have.

I don’t know if women are born different but when it comes to setting limits based on reality, I have never had a problem with that. Emotions not withstanding. I could be head over heels in love and that wouldn’t make me do anything that goes against logic. Yaani I can compartmentalise how in love I am and the reality of the relationship.

I find most women have a problem differentiating or compartmentalising reality and feelings once they are in love. For me I can be madly, truly, deeply, head over heels in love with you but if say I am vegan and you love meat, I will not change my diet for you. Which means that I can never blame anyone for whatever I have done or failed to do because I have never been that guy to even change religion bcz I’m in love. If I did something it’s because that’s what I wanted to do. I can’t turn around and say you know I was so in love and he took advantage of that or I did what he wanted even if I knew it was wrong because I wanted him to love me. I wasn’t thinking bcz I was so much in love. I may have made poor choices but truth be told the emotions were not the catalyst. I’d probably have made similar blunder even if I wasn’t under the influence of the intoxicating love.

I’ve tried very hard to understand why especially women have this problem with separating emotions and reality. Especially because I’m pro emotions. Emotions are very important. You need to allow your emotions to be felt, you should not suppress or ignore them. I don’t think God was crazy when He made emotions. They serve a purpose. However logic has a purpose. Decision making on important issues like having children. You can not have a child with a married man then start agonizing when your child is neglected. You can not have a child with people you are not married to and then expect commitment to child.

So you can be in love with a married man, maybe even date him, I don’t recommend this especially if you are a Christian but sex and having children is a no go zone. I believe the fastest way to get rid of a man who you are in love with, who is no good, or no good for you, is to not have sex with him. Since that is all he is after anymore. The entanglement will die a natural death.

If you are caught up in such this isnt just a dead end street its a plunging over the cliff.

If you are my fren please don’t call me to gripe about your married man, or even single man who is non commital, after you gave him offspring. I have no sympathy coz you should be worried about serious things like how will we pay this trillions loans from China, not some man. The beauty of being a Kenyan is that we have too many problems as a collective to have time and energy to think about your personal situationships. Will you pray about 2022 or about your dead beat baby daddy? Seriously when I think about Kenya for 5 minutes, I have no energy left to even be annoyed or obsessed with someone. Yaani I just accept and move on like our motto as Kenyans says. Anyway if you want to suffer and torment yourself instead of enjoying your holidays who am I to stop you? Just don’t call me asking for advice coz if you know me at all, you know my position on such nonsense.

End of rant.

[Finest_wine]

@TrumanCapote

So the festive season is the most depressing time of the year for side hens and side families. The man is busy with his main family and there you are wishing he would be there with you and your little love child who won’t stop asking why daddy doesn’t spend the holidays with you guys like other dads.

If you have ever had a friend in this predicament you know it’s like a drug addict. They hate it but they won’t stop it.

The difference is that for me I can differentiate between my feelings and the reality on the ground. Which means that I could fall in love with the devil himself but he wouldn’t be able to harm me because I wouldn’t make any decisions regarding the relationship based on the feelings I have.

I don’t know if women are born different but when it comes to setting limits based on reality, I have never had a problem with that. Emotions not withstanding. I could be head over heels in love and that wouldn’t make me do anything that goes against logic. Yaani I can compartmentalise how in love I am and the reality of the relationship.

I find most women have a problem differentiating or compartmentalising reality and feelings once they are in love. For me I can be madly, truly, deeply, head over heels in love with you but if say I am vegan and you love meat, I will not change my diet for you. Which means that I can never blame anyone for whatever I have done or failed to do because I have never been that guy to even change religion bcz I’m in love. If I did something it’s because that’s what I wanted to do. I can’t turn around and say you know I was so in love and he took advantage of that or I did what he wanted even if I knew it was wrong because I wanted him to love me. I wasn’t thinking bcz I was so much in love. I may have made poor choices but truth be told the emotions were not the catalyst. I’d probably have made similar blunder even if I wasn’t under the influence of the intoxicating love.

I’ve tried very hard to understand why especially women have this problem with separating emotions and reality. Especially because I’m pro emotions. Emotions are very important. You need to allow your emotions to be felt, you should not suppress or ignore them. I don’t think God was crazy when He made emotions. They serve a purpose. However logic has a purpose. Decision making on important issues like having children. You can not have a child with a married man then start agonizing when your child is neglected. You can not have a child with people you are not married to and then expect commitment to child.

So you can be in love with a married man, maybe even date him, I don’t recommend this especially if you are a Christian but sex and having children is a no go zone. I believe the fastest way to get rid of a man who you are in love with, who is no good, or no good for you, is to not have sex with him. Since that is all he is after anymore. The entanglement will die a natural death.

If you are caught up in such this isnt just a dead end street its a plunging over the cliff.

If you are my fren please don’t call me to gripe about your married man, or even single man who is non commital, after you gave him offspring. I have no sympathy coz you should be worried about serious things like how will we pay this trillions loans from China, not some man. The beauty of being a Kenyan is that we have too many problems as a collective to have time and energy to think about your personal situationships. Will you pray about 2022 or about your dead beat baby daddy? Seriously when I think about Kenya for 5 minutes, I have no energy left to even be annoyed or obsessed with someone. Yaani I just accept and move on like our motto as Kenyans says. Anyway if you want to suffer and torment yourself instead of enjoying your holidays who am I to stop you? Just don’t call me asking for advice coz if you know me at all, you know my position on such nonsense.

End of rant.

I don’t feel sorry for MwKs. Uliiba/chukua bwana wa wenyewe na ukamzalia thinking you are the special one. Ho-hum…hakuna kitu kama hiyo…
In most cases 1st lady has a say. Especially if she is dignified and plays it smart. And I repeat every married woman should keep her assets separate from her husband. The future is unknown and belongs to God.

[Simiyu22]

I think you are too set in your ways. Relationships are about compromise. A man may come in that he goes out every Friday but now has to change. People change religion all the time due to relationships. You discover different ways of doing things and realize there’s more than one way.
And many times those side kids are not born according to plan. BCs fail all the time, pullout doesn’t always work, cds may be out of reach at the heat of passion…It’s an imperfect world.
It is true that without a child, it is easier to end a relationship. It’s a woman’s nature to try and keep their children close to the father.

[Simiyu22]

@Finest wine

I don’t feel sorry for MwKs. Uliiba/chukua bwana wa wenyewe na ukamzalia thinking you are the special one. Ho-hum…hakuna kitu kama hiyo…
In most cases 1st lady has a say. Especially if she is dignified and plays it smart. And I repeat every married woman should keep her assets separate from her husband. The future is unknown and belongs to God.

It’s not possible to legally keep your assets separate from your husband. Marriage is a union that legally makes you one. You can keep things in your name but that is not recognized by law as yours alone if acquired after your marriage. If he challenges you in court after divorce, there’s guidelines on a split.

[Finest_wine]

@Simiyu22

It’s not possible to legally keep your assets separate from your husband. Marriage is a union that legally makes you one. You can keep things in your name but that is not recognized by law as yours alone if acquired after your marriage. If he challenges you in court after divorce, there’s guidelines on a split.

You are wrong…the law is neither here nor there it is dependant on the country you reside in. If you got married in some countries the spouse is not even entitled to a spoon when the union ends. Besides there is always a pre-nup and that kind of covers spouses.
Also there are men and women with loads of dignity who would not go after things they did not help earn.
I believe in kila mtu na zake and if we buy joint that is a different matter altogether.

[Simiyu22]

@Finest wine

You are wrong…the law is neither here nor there it is dependant on the country you reside in. If you got married in some countries the spouse is not even entitled to a spoon when the union ends. Besides there is always a pre-nup and that kind of covers spouses.
Also there are men and women with loads of dignity who would not go after things they did not help earn.
I believe in kila mtu na zake and if we buy joint that is a different matter altogether.

There are countries where you get nothing but I am referring to Kenya and your UK. Prenup only makes sense if you have a lot of property already and/or that means you will generate a lot more. Now does Kenya recognize prenups? I don’t know.
You can have dignity until divorce happens. Most are nasty. And you add lawyers and things go downhill quickly. All Lawyers immediately go for property.

[Finest_wine]

@Simiyu22

There are countries where you get nothing but I am referring to Kenya and your UK. Prenup only makes sense if you have a lot of property already and/or that means you will generate a lot more. Now does Kenya recognize prenups? I don’t know.
You can have dignity until divorce happens. Most are nasty. And you add lawyers and things go downhill quickly. All Lawyers immediately go for property.

Pre-nup applies even if I have 2 small plots in Ndumberi and I reside here where I got married. Hatutunulii MwK vitu. No way. Achukue half ya hubby, mine stays intact for my kids is the point I am trying to tell you. And yes the law guarantees that.
BTW Simiyu laws are made/written by man and you find judges overturning decisions nowadays. In my case what he owned before our union is for him to deal with. What I owned is mine to deal with. What we buy together is another matter altogether. Our children remain our main responsibility. Not difficult.

[Simiyu22]

@Finest wine

Pre-nup applies even if I have 2 small plots in Ndumberi and I reside here where I got married. Hatutunulii MwK vitu. No way. Achukue half ya hubby, mine stays intact for my kids is the point I am trying to tell you. And yes the law guarantees that.
BTW Simiyu laws are made/written by man and you find judges overturning decisions nowadays. In my case what he owned before our union is for him to deal with. What I owned is mine to deal with. What we buy together is another matter altogether. Our children remain our main responsibility. Not difficult.

Yes only what is acquired in marriage is split. I covered that in my original response. But haven’t heard of prenups in Kenyan law. By virtue of living in the UK, you established yourself before marriage. 99% of marriages are different from yours. Most go in broke. What will the prenup cover?

[TrumanCapote]

@Simiyu22

I think you are too set in your ways. Relationships are about compromise. A man may come in that he goes out every Friday but now has to change. People change religion all the time due to relationships. You discover different ways of doing things and realize there’s more than one way.
And many times those side kids are not born according to plan. BCs fail all the time, pullout doesn’t always work, cds may be out of reach at the heat of passion…It’s an imperfect world.
It is true that without a child, it is easier to end a relationship. It’s a woman’s nature to try and keep their children close to the father.

Its an imperfect world and that’s why there are rules. If you break the rules be ready for the consequences. You don’t expect a married man to leave his first wife and family to be with you over the holidays. You should have thought about how you would explain to your love child why daddy is never there for important occasions like Christmas. Atimes the man lies to the child that he will come over then he does not. The child becomes sulky and depressed then you blame the man, but what did you expect from a man who can cheat on a woman he vowed to be faithful to b4 God and family.

[Finest_wine]

@Simiyu22

Yes only what is acquired in marriage is split. I covered that in my original response. But haven’t heard of prenups in Kenyan law. By virtue of living in the UK, you established yourself before marriage. 99% of marriages are different from yours. Most go in broke. What will the prenup cover?

I don’t know where you are coming from but some of my friends in that Kenya are going for the jugular in terms of property. Many ways of arguing it.
And no we have couples going in broke but amassing property together thereafter. That cannot be ignored.

[Simiyu22]

@Finest wine

I don’t know where you are coming from but some of my friends in that Kenya are going for the jugular in terms of property. Many ways of arguing it.
And no we have couples going in broke but amassing property together thereafter. That cannot be ignored.

Yeah but the prenup has to specify what property will be given to whom. Now if you are going in broke, what do you put in the prenup agreement.
Lawyers will fight any way the can. But the laws are very specific.

[uzito]

Law is very clear in Kenya now. You get what you put in. The name on the title deed or whatever asset keeps the property unless the other party can prove they contributed financially to its acquisition. If you are jobless and contributed nothing tangible financially to buying an asset and your name is not on the title deed you get nothing. You must show evidence like significant bank transfer which helped buy the property for the court to even listen to you.

[Finest_wine]

Pre-nup is for those who already had money. But the law also protects those without a Pre-nup coz they married bila a cent to their name… nowadays. 2 different animals here. And the law in Kenya now provides for the 2nd and 3rd wife and all of them users which the UK does not.
I am torn coz I live in 2 countries.
Hence why I am seyying kila jasho in someone’s individual names. Going forward.

[Simiyu22]

@Finest wine

Pre-nup is for those who already had money. But the law also protects those without a Pre-nup coz they married bila a cent to their name… nowadays. 2 different animals here. And the law in Kenya now provides for the 2nd and 3rd wife and all of them users which the UK does not.
I am torn coz I live in 2 countries.
Hence why I am seyying kila jasho in someone’s individual names. Going forward.

The advice would be to take off if a husband tries to marry another wife. Immediately file for divorce. That way you don’t share your earnings with your co-wife.

[Finest_wine]

@Simiyu22

The advice would be to take off if a husband tries to marry another wife. Immediately file for divorce. That way you don’t share your earnings with your co-wife.

Yes that is okay but advice from the get go is kila mtu buys their own property in their names.

[Simiyu22]

@Finest wine

Yes that is okay but advice from the get go is kila mtu buys their own property in their names.

Marriage with one foot in? The law has you covered. Putting a name on a title doesn’t guarantee anything.

Have you ever seen people divorcing. The emotions involved in divorces are pretty nasty. The man/woman claims they contributed. It becomes problematic. Yeah I didn’t purchase the acre in Ruiru and put my name, but I was paying extra on the light bill. So credit my extra pay to those payments you were making towards the property. As we “verbally” agreed. And I was paying cash. So how do you surpass such an argument.

[Finest_wine]

@Simiyu22

Marriage with one foot in? The law has you covered. Putting a name on a title doesn’t guarantee anything.

Have you ever seen people divorcing. The emotions involved in divorces are pretty nasty. The man/woman claims they contributed. It becomes problematic. Yeah I didn’t purchase the acre in Ruiru and put my name, but I was paying extra on the light bill. So credit my extra pay to those payments you were making towards the property. As we “verbally” agreed. And I was paying cash. So how do you surpass such an argument.

Have I ever seen people divorcing? hahahaha pls don’t make me laugh. Yes I have, many of them and what I have witnessed and taken on board is kila mtu na vitu zake na hizo vitu zote eventually belongs to the kids. No-one will live forever. But my generation is not letting you lot get away lightly.
Wachana na emotions. Park those to one side kapsaa. Let there be boundaries from the get go.
Simiyu if I bought some land and built in Ndunduri it is my responsibility to maintain it. If he bought his in Gacharage it is his duty to maintain it. If we co-own then it is our duty…what is so hard about this? I can give him money, he can give me money but that is well devoid of the property ownership.

Mimi sipei mtu zangu, na sichukui loan to develop him. Nope. How many women are crying right now that ‘ooooh we bought this house together and now that we are separating he is taking it’. ‘So is your name on the title deed’ ‘no but I supported the family by footing all the other household bills so I am entitled’…
Weeeeell woman tell that to the birds up in the air. Gone are the days.

[Simiyu22]

@Finest wine

Have I ever seen people divorcing? hahahaha pls don’t make me laugh. Yes I have, many of them and what I have witnessed and taken on board is kila mtu na vitu zake na hizo vitu zote eventually belongs to the kids. No-one will live forever. But my generation is not letting you lot get away lightly.
Wachana na emotions. Park those to one side kapsaa. Let there be boundaries from the get go.
Simiyu if I bought some land and built in Ndunduri it is my responsibility to maintain it. If he bought his in Gacharage it is his duty to maintain it. If we co-own then it is our duty…what is so hard about this? I can give him money, he can give me money but that is well devoid of the property ownership.

Mimi sipei mtu zangu, na sichukui loan to develop him. Nope. How many women are crying right now that ‘ooooh we bought this house together and now that we are separating he is taking it’. ‘So is your name on the title deed’ ‘no but I supported the family by footing all the other household bills so I am entitled’…
Weeeeell woman tell that to the birds up in the air. Gone are the days.

Sawa sawa perfect divorce.

[Finest_wine]

@Simiyu22

Sawa sawa perfect divorce.

Amicable should be the word not perfect. Else we would not have millionaires asking others to sign a pre-nup would we?
A marriage should be for like minded folk. Else tumechoka na drama na machozi.

[ala]

pre-nup all the way baiby no questions asked