Back in the day, after mum finished Thogoto Teachers Training College and became a teacher in a rustic, very scenic part of Kenya, near the Aberdares, the only music I can remember listening to on the old gramophone was country - Skeeter Davis, Charley Pride, Jim Reeves, Chet Atkins, Johhnny Cash, and later Ken Rogers, Dolly Parton etc.
It was like I was I was living near the Appalachians, somewhere deep in Tennessee.
Now, many, many years later, when am stressed or very drunk and the melancholy and nostalgia of things that could have been but never were strikes me, I listen to the old music and go back to my childhood. Its like curling in that foetal position all over again. My safe zone.
The trouble is, THE MUSIC DEEPENS MY EMOTIONAL DISTRESS RATHER THAN LIFT IT.
Especially like now when am stressed to high heaven because of this stupid government not paying, and everybody wants to hang me, from the messenger to the landlord.
Right now, am listening to Jim Reeves singing that this world is not my home, that I’d rather have Jesus than anything, that some glad morning I’ll fly away to God’s celestial shores, that I’ve heard of a land on a faraway strand that’s a beautiful home for the soul where we’ll never grow old…and am feeling like death.
I miss guka and cucu, who are long across. I miss all my friends who no longer walk with us. I miss the giant pines and the dew on the needles of their leaves that I grew with. I miss the dark wet earth and the mist and the bamboo. I miss the mooing of the cows and the hand of dad (RIP) on my head. I miss so many people and feel sooooooooo sad! I even think of that beautiful, beautiful gal from Limuru who’s life was snuffed out by two matatus and cry softly for the wasted youth.
Damn, damn, damn! Am sad!
One day, I’ll fly away, I know…so call me a sissy if you want, but I know am a strong enough man to have my weak days, and have the courage to share it. Soon, not so far from now, I’ll get over it and keep walking.
But for now, find it in your heart to share with me this immense sadness, this emptiness, this pain.
Thanks.
(PS: Nefertititties if you read this please inbox)
GUKA