As reported by one “Ole Weru”
We all have that one friend who never gets sick no matter what they eat or drink, and so when Marto called me on Sunday sounding sickly, I was very concerned… The last record of him being in a hospital was years ago, when he had woken up for three consecutive days without his ‘kababa’ being at attention, where he was advised to reduce alcohol consumption. Such were issues that took him to hospital, but not sickness. So I had to go see him. But being an opportunistic Greek, I first asked him…”uko na will ama nikuje na lawyer?.”.of which he said that he had nothing to be willed. It was true, as the only electronic thing in his house apart from his phone is a torch. So I got to his house and he explained that he had pneumonia. How he had acquired the pneumonia was more interesting.
Having been in no stable relationship for long, Marto mainly relies on any opportunity that presents itself, and he follows the 3rd rule of team mafisi which says, “in the course of looking for food, never leave any bone on the road; pick it and check if it has meat later” So on Friday, he was invited for supper by a lady friend who they had been ‘borrowing’ each other for a while. He went there like any other Kenyan man would; carrying only two things as Orie Manduli said; himself and condoms. He got there, had supper, and just before they slept, the lady insisted on him setting an alarm at 4am, and told him he was to leave immediately after. He agreed to everything that was said without asking why, considering that at that time he was only thinking with the smaller head.
So after a good time, he slept like a well fed puppy. The next time he woke up was 5am, and was awoken by knocks on the door. The knocks sounded very confident, and from his experience, if you hear three slow and hard knocks on the door (KO-KO-KO), then the knocker has shares in that house. He woke the lady and after looking at the watch told him, “fagga I told you to set an alarm”. Then she said “babe acha nifungue”. He was now confused,and gave her that look of ‘’ati babe tena???’’. She hurriedly tidied up the place a bit, and gave him the remaining condoms together with his clothes, shoes and phone and told him to lie in one corner, covered him, placed an old mattress on him, and then other clothes on top, to appear like a heap of clothes. Remember this was a bedsitter. She then opened the door, and another guy came in.
When the guy came in, walijuliana hali, and proceeded to talking about different things here and there, for like 20mins. All this time, Marto was on the floor, naked, holding condoms, his clothes and shoes, and a heap of clothes on him. He really wanted the world to end at that moment. He was sure he would go straight to hell, but he was ready to explain to satan what he was doing just before he died, as opposed to explaining to this man of whom he didn’t even know, what he was doing in that house, naked. He remained immobile, and the cold floor was now starting to freeze him. Remember he was in his birth suit, and even his ‘kababa’ was also literally touching the cold floor, after such a warm night.
After what seemed like being served with tea, the guy said he wanted to take a shower before sleeping. Immediately he started showering, the lady pretended to be taking a phone call…ati “Hello, hey niaje Mary, aki si uambie ule beshte yako achomoke mapema before achelewe, mwambie anaeza patana na ule mtu anaitwa Muumba kimchezo tu akichelewa…” Marto being a smart ngorino, he knew it was him being warned to hurry up and leave.He jumped from the heap of clothes silently, tried wearing his clothes, but the lady signaled him to dress outside. All he was able to wear was a boxer and one shoe, and the door was opened for him to chuck. He did not want explanations or anything, all he asked was whether there are motorbikes nearby. The lady pointed to a direction, and he shot from the door like a bullet. He wore the trouser and shirt as he ran towards a motorbike.
This was now 5.30am. He told the nduthi rider “please go as fast as you can, I need to be in town soonest possible.” So Marto came all the way from Emba to town on a nduthi, and at a f*ckin speed, at 5.30am. By the time he got to town, he was freezing and feeling sickly already. From there he took a bus home. When he got to the house, he knew that was his 39th day. The 40th would maybe earn him several stabs on his butt, or worse. But we cant blame him. He didn’t know.
He now told me that he is ready to go back to church, get saved, and rely on Vaseline/Solea till marriage. Again, Ona mufea niatuire (Even priests survive).
But one lesson, if you don’t own the club, never play an away game, it can get you relegated to 6ft under…and ladies, never let a player on loan play a full debut on home ground, when you know the preferred player in that position is fit and on the bench…