As reported by one 'Ole Weru"
Over the Christmas holiday, I went to Shagz. Now while in shagz, I switch from Wakihara special vodka to Kihakuri super gin. Unlike Wakihara special which makes ‘kababa’ not to stand for several days, Kihakuri makes kababa stand at attention for hours, but shooting blanks/rubber bullets in the process. That way, you cannot shoot and kill any animal. Any shooting you do will be a drill. Now as I was sipping Kihakuri super in a local bar, i saw two yellow yellows enter the bar and sat at the corner. I looked at them Fisi-cally, and one of them appeared familiar. You know gifted Fisists have a space in their brain specifically dedicated to remembering persons they have met before. This must have been a classmate many decades ago. Back then, she was one of those girls you couldn’t look at twice because of how ‘beaten’ she was.
After doing a Fisi-bility study, I decided to join their table to say Hi. They also remembered me and we talked about many things. She told me that she stays in Nyairofi Kayole and had come home for Krithimathi. I decided to sound complicated and told her that am a Fisist operating all over Nyairofi. She nodded as if she knew what I was telling her and we went on to talk about many other things including Alshabaab, ISIS, the failed El nino, Jimmy Gait etc. So in the process, I bought them fobe with no limits until one of them excused herself and I was left with my former classmate.
As I say, one of the effects of fobe is that it diverts the flow of blood going to the “bigger head” and directs it to the “smaller head”. That way, your smaller head controls and starts directing all your actions. I started telling her of how Nyairofi had no wife materials, and how we were finding it hard to get persons. Fobe was also starting to show her that I am a good guy coz she was smiling ear to ear listening my ‘stories of giants’. Fisiology states that if she finds everything you say funny, she is already in box so start ‘borrowing’. But we were in the village and I could not take her home. The ‘smaller head’ was insistent that even the bush would work well for him, but I decided afana.
I decided to convince her to go back to Nyairofi with me the following day where I promised to pay the fare and everything. After some hesitation, she agreed. So after a few more, we agreed to meet the following day in town, at the stage. I went home and while I was peeing, I told kababa to cool down coz the following day he would dine with a fork and knife.
So the following day, I arrived at the stage earlier and called her. She said she was almost there. After 5mins, I saw her accompanied by another girl who I thought was the sister and two kipiis. They must be escorting her I thought. There was also a mkokoteni guy with a mzigo behind them. I failed to understand why someone would carry all that mzigo back to the city. Haya, when she reached where I was standing, she introduced her sister and before she introduced the kipiis, one of the kipiis shouted “mom tutaenda na ile bus iko pale?”…and the other kipii said “apana mom, tusiende na hiyo bus”…I was allilo bit confused and hoped and prayed that it was the sister being called mom, but I was wrong.
She introduced the boys as her sons, and said that there was another girl who was younger than them, who had been left with the grandma. I faked a smile and said “wow congrats”. I hoped our godfather Jehova Wanyonyi would send a chariot to take me to heaven like Enock of the bible. So I started asking myself questions like, kwani she is married?.why didn’t she mention this yesterday?.who is going to pay the fare?.should I only pay for her and forget the rest?..Haya we proceeded to the stage where they were shouting “Nyairofi Nyairofi Tea Rumu”…The sister, the two kipiis and the mother all hopped into the matatu and I followed them. Within a few minutes, the vehicle was full and they started collecting fare. When it was her turn, she indicated to the konda that I was the sponsor. The konda asked “hawa watoto wanakalia kila mtu kiti yake ama watakalia moja?”.one of the kipiis said he was not sharing a seat with his brother, and so their mom said “haya kalieni kila mtu yake.” Nkt as if she was the one paying.
What am saying is that I paid fare for 4 extra people. Haya they started loading the bags and other mizigos and the konda said that “hiyo mzigo pia italipiwa”…i put my hands in the pocket of sudus and I only had 100 left. I negotiated with the konda who was aking for 150 and he finally agreed though with some insults. I endured all this, knowing the mzigo was not even mine. Haki I went talking to myself all the way.
When we got to Nyairofi, I told her I would call her the following day and I took off for fear she would ask for fare to Kayole. I withdrew the remaining 500 from my mpesa and entered my Wakihara special vodka joint. With 500, you can drink the whole night and that is how I woke up with malaria, typhoid and cholera-like hangover yesterday. You know in the bible it says, if one organ is making you sin or is misleading you, cut it off. So now that I cannot cut my kababa, I’ll take more Wakihara Special to keep kababa asleep until 2016. Let me wait for January in peace. Indeed, satan works in mysterious ways. He can take you so close, yet you are so far.
:D:D