As reported by one “Ole Weru”
As I have said before, we members of the Fisist party (political wing of the mighty Mafisi sacco) usually take an annual break from the start of January up to the period after valentines, mainly due to financial reasons. We however resume duty after Valentines, just in time to collect the broken hearts during the Valentines and comfort them in a special way. We then pick from there and don’t look back until the end of the year. So this year’s annual break is no different from what it has been through the years, except for isolated cases of some extremist members like Prezzo who remain active throughout the year.
Now on Saturday, I was just chilling in the house when my friend Matini texted me…”brathe, ebu come ile baze ya mugithi kuna watu hapa wananunua fobe kwa ubaya ata wamenishow niite beshte”….i did not even reply the text. I hopped into the bathroom and had a record time shower. I looked at ‘kababa’ and he seemed to be asking why I have not given him work recently, but I told him I had returned jembes to the store until February. So I called Matini when I got to the mugithi baze, and he directed me to one corner. From afar, I saw him, but on the table were two women too.
All this time I thought Matini was talking about men, and I immediately concluded that he was tricking me as he is used to, so that I could go help him with the bill. I felt like going back because I was quite financially malnourished, but decided otherwise. After all, one of our key ancestors and mentor Akuku Danger (who btw we are planning to hold a beatification ceremony for) used to attract them persons with only a bicycle and a mud house. The mugithi was blazing the place like nonsense. So when I got to the table, they all stood to greet me and I felt Matini must have told them that am one of the rich men of Nyairofi who had come to buy fobe. In the Dafisi-code chapter 7, it states that during this annual break, you should only buy fobe for a persons if you are 100% sure you will get the returns. So I had to trend very carefully here.
There was however another problem. Now due to my skills and experience in Fisi-ology, I can tell the age of a persons with a margin of error of +/-1 by looking at three parts of the body,…I will tell you about this some other time. So by a quick glance, one looked like fote fae (45) and the other one looked fote (40). Before I could look at Matini badly for ‘carrying me baby’, he had already introduced me and that’s when I heard one lady ask, ‘so weru what are you having?’…as she called the waiter. Haiya, I even got confused allilo bit. The last time a woman asked me what I will take is when my mom would ask whether I will take tea or porridge back in the day.
I immediately said I will take a brown mucufa. She told the waiter to service me with three to start with. She then chucked a ngiri note and my eyes followed it to the hands of the waiter, knowing very well that if I chucked that at WaJothefu kibanda, they would place my portrait in the kibanda, next to Uhuru’s due to mass respect. When the waiter opened the bottle, I almost took a selfie with it. My liver must have been surprised at the change, as it was used to dealing with hard drinks like Wakihara special vodka. Its like taking a person from a mjengo job to a government office, or giving Barcelona a team like Man U after it has been dealing with big teams like the mighty Arsenal…So after the fifth shufa, I started giving them stories of giants ranging from Prezzo, Jehova Wanyonyi, and many other of our recent heroes.
They bought fobe to our satisfaction and then bought 2 ngukus (chicken). By now, Matini had already specialized with the fote one and left me with the fote fae. Also by now, fobe had already promoted my ‘smaller head’ down there to be in charge, and demoted the ‘bigger head’-that way, the bigger head was receiving orders from down there and acting on them. So the smaller head was already telling me that this mama was a very hot yellow yellow who can remove the Njaanuary dust. She asked me to dance with her and I did not even hesitate. We stood up and started dancing to the mugithi. Despite her dancing like she had two left feet, I persevered and felt no shame in dancing with her. I could feel people looking at us but I didn’t care.
For the first time, I understood why young girls move around holding hands with old sponsors. Yani you feel like you are indebted to the person…kiundu funny yani. Haya by the time we returned to the table, Matini had already eloped with his mama. When I called him, he told me not to worry, that he would give me marifoti the following day. Now my mama here continued buying fobe until I could not take any more. Whenever she bought two, I would return them to the waiter secretly and tell her that I would come drink them the following day.
I now started thinking of what was to happen next. Now looking at this persons, especially from the way she was dancing, that is rubbing her sudus on me very roughly, I knew she was really in need of a kababa Fisiotherapy. But the fobe that I had in my system could not even let kababa stand at half mast. So I decided not to go shame myself and end up being placed on Kilimani mums for dismal performance. When it was time to go home, I insisted that I had to go home, and that we would meet another day. Surprisingly she agreed and told me that it would be good if we met while sober and talk more.
She called a cab and I was dropped home as she proceeded to her place. Haki if this is what ladies feel when being sponsored, I wont blame you anymore. It’s a good feeling. Mimi na mashida za Njaanuary tumeagana kama Uhuru na Hague. Now you’ll hear people saying ati ooh niko na umama ooh nyef nyef,shindeni hapo. What am not sure is whether I’ll be able to service that ‘vehicle’. Mileage inakaa iko juu sana. Though the DaFisi-code says that even dirty water can put out a fire, am still thinking of what to do next, despite it being a win win for me. Lemmi say am still thinking about it.
Am telling you this is the new crop of women we want in our society,its called the Fisi-lets uprising…Haiya good day!!