I have stayed 8 months without visiting a lanye or clandes.This is my greatest achievement. Most don’t know my history but I was the worst. Sometimes early last year I went to pattaya and indulged. I felt like I had become bored with the normal stuff and I needed a kick-start. I had turned 40 and wanted to celebrate. There I was, with a Ukrainian woman, a most beautiful blonde. The perfect European woman. There is this song by Paul Young that has a verse “I can feel your body move, but it doesn’t mean that much to me”. I felt that way. I could not feel her,though she was tight, it was almost inanimate. Leading to this I had felt like I was loosing my mojo,my sex drive wasn’t as impossibly strong as before. Perhaps I was getting old. I had a hormonal test done and I was normal.
From my mid 20s I used to visit brothels almost daily. I would even go on a normal date, take the girl to her home and quickly run to lanyes to fantasise about having sex with her. I was never impatient and had a pretty high “strike rates” with my dates.
What I have come to realise is that I have ceased to be controlled by impulses. I had began to realise that there’s no right or wrong only positive or negative outcomes. There’s no good or evil but only what’s beneficial. If I could kill a man and be sure to get away with it and benefit or else be in jeopardy, that’s the right thing to do, the righteous and holy thing! Morality is an arcane and archaic concept. I became a believer in survival of the fittest as the only rule to rule them all.
I stopped getting depressed, feeling guilty and searching for happiness. I do things now for reciprocity, cooperation, influence and because they are beneficial to me not because of altruism.
In short I believe I have reached enlightenment/nirvana in a way.
I can now control my sexual urges almost subconsciously. I see beautiful women, mull over it for a moment, appreciate it and let it go. Just like that. No struggle, no effort. I have no restrictions. If I want it I can have it. Why buy it when I can get it from my beautiful wife? A sense that had disappeared from me.
I put my needs first and of those that I deem to have an intrinsic value to me. Take it as you will.
Okay, I guess I’m bored because of the isolation lol!