A few days ago, Maendeleo Ya Wanaume Organization, banned men from being seen carrying umbrellas during this el nino season. If you cannot endure droplets of cold water falling from the sky, then you have a lot to worry about. African men should be strong indomitable machines. That is why today, we celebrate the Kenyan man, the ultimate symbol of perseverance and endurance. A machine created to brave harsh conditions of the dark continent. God blessed the African man with everything; strength, brains and determination. It is therefore sad to watch these vital qualities slowly being washed away as the African man gets influenced by Western culture. We have become a feeble shadow of what our forefathers used to be. So apart from not carrying umbrellas, what other thing should a man not do?
5. Carrying A Womanâs Handbag
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You would rather be caught carrying a live grenade than this thing
The first time I saw a man holding a womanâs handbag, I felt violated for having the misfortune of being the one to witness the pitiable scene. The guyâs discomfiture was plain on his face but he tried to make himself look busy by fiddling with his phone. Why would you as an African man subject yourself to this level of humiliation? A real African man is not even supposed to be in the same room with a handbag, let alone touch it. A womanâs handbag is an nefarious object that sucks life out of a man when touched. It is the equivalent of an Ouija board; once you touch it, demons come rushing for a party in your life. Within a few days, you find yourself cooking for her, doing the dishes for her, doing her laundry, taking her for shopping, all the while thinking you are in love. That is not love, those are symptoms of kukaliwa chapati or being emasculated, which is a fancy word for having your testicles yanked off. A handbag is a trap and sin to a man, and do you know what Jesus said about sin? I quote, âWhen your eye causes you to sin take that eye outââŚâŚ And so brethren i verily say unto thee, if your heart tricks you into carrying her handbag, do not hesitate, cut of that hand, you can always get a prosthetic one.
4. Crying!
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Kenya, Is this where the rain started beating us?
Crying has always been and will continue being a sign of weakness. If a man cries, it shows that he has gone soft. A manâs tears are expelled from the body in form of sweat, never through his eyes. If you must cry, a manâs tears should be internal; falling down the throat into the stomach. It doesnât matter how sad or painful a situation is. But there are few exceptions to this rule, that could allow a man to shed tears for not more than 30 seconds. Such situations include losing aSportpesa multi bet, your favorite team being whooped a bucketful of goals in broad daylight, or when your wife cooks noodles or sossi soya for supper. You can also shed two measly tear drops if you discover that your crush only dates old men who are in their 60s while you are in your 20s. Any other situation outside these 4 should never be a cause for an African man to expose his tears in public or private. But it does reach a time where a situation becomes unbearable, in such a case, a man has to be creative and come up with ways to prevent the tears from falling externally. If you are watching a sad movie, and you are tempted to cry, one can slap the tear demon out of himself. But in the event tears do get exposed in public, an African man has two options, deny deny deny or run towards an area full of smoke or cut onions. If you anticipate that a situation could become emotional, always carry an emergency onion and a pocket knife
3. An African Man Should Never Use Beauty Products
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Pictured above; The devil in a can
The one thing that has sets an African man apart from his counterparts of other races is his ruggedness and haggardness. We were built to be rough inside out, you only need to feel the texture of our hair to understand this. It is therefore a great sin for an African man to start embracing things that take ruggedness out of him. I am talking about body lotions, lip balms, perfume and other such demeaning products. After realizing they could not dilute the purity of the african man, beauty products designed another harebrained scheme; labeling products with the words âFor Menâ. There is nothing manly in a lotion that turns the skin soft like a babyâs bottom or a product that gets rid of body hair, all these are schemes made to turn African men into whimpering little cats, we are not little cats, we are lions. Let that hair grow on your body without restrictions. Perfumes too are another thing that an African man needs to steer away from, that natural musk an African man gets from hardwork is all he needs
2. Watching Telenovelas (Soap Operas)
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You deserve to be tormented if you are watching this
Every time a man watches a soap opera, he kills a million brain brain cells. Science! Telenovelas are STRICTLY reserved for womenfolk and this is not up for debate. A man who sits down and stares at a screen showing soap opera is an embarrassment to all male Homo Sapiens species. An African man has other forms of entertainment that do not involve little Mexican maids crying due to silly heartbreaks. We have football which should keep a man busy for a whole year. Every African man has a football gene in him, those that do not are the ones who squat to urinate.We also have news bulletins, they always carry enough content to keep a man occupied. We also have action movies that have Jason Statham, Jackie Chan, Rambo, Steven Seagull and many more, movies that have no emotions. This is what an African man should watch, telenovelas are for emotional junkies.
1. Talking Too Much
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Just shut up man
This is a fact backed by Science a man should be limited to a maximum of 100 words a day, talking is a reserve of the women. I love science . Our strength lies in listening and nodding our heads, not replying to questions or giving opinion, unless it involves football. Or unless you suffer from talkaholism, the compulsive disorder of talking too much . Before you start throwing stones at me, I have a valid reason why I believe men should talk less. Talking is the cause of all trouble with women. It opens up a can of worms. History itself is riddled with tragic accidents that befell men who loved to talk. Look at Adam, he talked to Eve and the next thing he knew, he was holding a half eaten apple outside the locked gates of Eden. Samson talked to Delilah, the next he knew, he woke up hairless and chained up by his deadly foes. An African man should be like King Solomon, he only used minimal speech, sign language, and grunts, and he was rewarded handsomely with more wives than he could count. A silent man is a wise man, and an African man lets his actions do the talking, not his mouth.
ur takeâŚnumber 3 thoughâŚmarasi lazima ipakwe