It can be challenging being a parent to young children, responsible for their every need. But for some parents, the real challenges arise later once those children have grown up and left home. For some, the relationship can become a source of pain that they didn’t anticipate. Samantha, 58, who works in NHS patient services, tells The i Paper about the disappointment and hurt that her grown-up son seems to no longer care about her.*
The thing I’ve worked hardest at in my life is being a good mum. I brought up my son and daughter on my own, as their dad left when my younger child (my son) was nine months old and my older girl was two – he has been pretty absent since. He saw them regularly for a year or so, but then he was basically out of the picture, which was such a tough reality to get my head around. I was furious with him for leaving us, and so hurt, but I also wanted my children to have their dad, so I tried never to talk badly about him in front of them.
I brought the kids up solo as best I could, even though the shock of the split and single parenthood definitely took its toll on me.
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But I got back up and carried on, as single parents do, and we had fun together, me and my kids amongst the difficulty. Other children from my kids’ class liked coming to our place at weekends, and we’d do sleepovers and go on adventures to the woods. I was hell-bent on them having the stability I felt I’d cheated them out of by giving them an unreliable dad, so I barely dated – and if I did very rarely go for drinks with someone, or see someone for a bit, I’d never bring them back and introduce them to the children.
I didn’t have family around who I could rely on either, so I juggled childcare and costs by cutting back a lot on my job working in the NHS, which meant I didn’t progress the way I would have if I’d had someone else to help me day-to-day with my children. But it was the only way to manage it all. That meant I could just about afford to pay the childminder on the days I did work, as money was getting tight. It was really tough to keep up with the mortgage, because I’d not planned for this life of single parenthood, and although my friends helped with pick-ups and drop-offs whenever they could, they had their own busy lives, too.
Loads of other people have it much harder than I did, so this isn’t a sob story, but what I am struggling with now is that I devoted everything to my children and made sure they wanted for nothing. I’ve helped them financially to get on their feet, I’ve given them all the support and encouragement I could. I wasn’t perfect, but they seemed like happy kids and teenagers, and we were all close.
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My grown up child no longer speaks to me
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So now, I am embarrassed and ashamed, but also hurt, at how absent my son is from my life now that he’s 29. I ruminate on how much I sacrificed for my son, and for what? I really feel like I poured my life into him, but he doesn’t really care about me much now. I don’t know what’s changed, or how to handle it, so I’ve joined an online group where people feel rejected by their adult children and are trying to work out why. My son never gets in touch unless I contact him; he doesn’t check on me, and I feel forgotten about.
He’s in a relationship, has a good job, and seems happy with his life on the rare occasions I do see him – all wonderful – but I did imagine that at this point, I’d be able to rely on him more, or at least enjoy his company as an adult.
He lives half an hour’s drive from me, but he may as well live in another country. What has been a particular blow is finding out from my daughter that he got back in contact with his dad, and sees him now and then. I spent all those years making sure my son didn’t think badly of his dad, but now I feel it’s come back to haunt me, because he’s somehow got a relationship with him, but barely one with me. His dad did pretty much nothing for him, emotionally or financially, after the age of two, but somehow he gets to stay in the picture? I would never say this to my son, but it’s a very horrible pill to swallow.
I would never go back on having my son, of course, and I love him deeply and would do anything for him still, but I do sometimes wonder what it was all for. When friends talk about their boys coming to visit, I feel physically pained. I have tried to give my son space to understand he’s living his life, but weeks and weeks go by – and nothing at all.
My daughter is good to me, she’s around, and recently, when I had emergency surgery, she brought me home, and had taken care of the house, and fed the cat, and all that sort of stuff. She’s helped me with my recovery, too, and she doesn’t seem to be interested in her dad after all these years. But even while I feel lucky to have her, I feel resentful about the radio silence from my son when I was going through something quite serious.
When I send him a WhatsApp, it sits unread for days and days. I didn’t hear from him on my birthday last month. It’s a bit like he’s discarded me. I feel guilty saying this, but I feel disappointed in the outcome of my years of hard work and sacrifice and devotion to him, because I thought I’d get more of a sense of satisfaction and a good bond with him later on, once the kids were grown up. I know I’m not alone in feeling this; people have difficult or even non-existent relationships with their adult children, but it still feels like I’ve done something wrong. My daughter says I haven’t, but she doesn’t really understand his absence either, as they’re not very close these days.
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I saw him last at Christmas, and we had a nice time and there was warmth and I was full of hope, but almost nothing since. I have tried giving him space, I have tried being assertive and telling him I’d love to see him a bit more, and I’ve tried all the approaches I can think of. But I feel more and more upset and angry, desperate for a normal, happy relationship with my son.
In the meantime, I know I just have to get on with life, and focus on my daughter, and see my friends, and find positives. When people say that the exhaustion of parenthood will all be worth it, I never questioned it – but sometimes when I’m feeling low about my son, I wonder whether that’s always really true.
*As told to Kasia Delgado. Name has been changed
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