[SIZE=7]Happiness Mwisha:how I survived a narcissistic relationship to own a successful fashion house, Sere Africa[/SIZE]
Susan MwenesiJuly 8, 20210
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My name is Happiness Mwisha and I am a survivor.
No, I didn’t survive a disease or a natural disaster. I survived a Narcissist.I was in a relationship with a narcissist for over 2 years and I was his main source of supply until his child, ex girlfriend, or new love interest came around. And trust me, he used all of these people against me. He even used my own mother against me to the point where no one trusted me and truly believed that I was making up the abuse. Part of the reason for that is because I would continuously get back with him. The reason I would always get back with him is what we as narcissistic abuse survivors call hovering and love bombing. So, let’s start from the beginning and work our way through this mess. Shall we?
Am going to use the name James (for identity protection)
I met James about 3 years ago as I was working as a waitress in one of Nairobi’s high end restaurants. He would pass by have a single cold tusker lite or two sometimes. After serving him, he would spend the entire time staring at me, this at some point got alarming so I asked my supervisor to relocate me from that station. James came back the following day as well and finally asked me for my contact. He said he wants to take me on a date during my off day (Sunday). I did agree to give him my number and to meet him for the date whole deep down I knew very well I wasn’t going to show up. This was because while James was asking me on date he clearly gave instructions on what I should and should not wear. I can only put on a dress, wear nice shoes and so on and so forth. We’ll, for someone who hasn’t been on many dates, this didn’t sit well with me.
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On that Sunday he called, and called and called but I never picked his call or return them. I was done and ready to forget our little encounter. So my life went on. After a week or maybe two I resigned from my job. This was abrupt even to myself since I didn’t have any plan B or anything that I was going to fall back on. But I still did it. The job was tiring and I knew I need to try out different venture.
About a month later, I was at my mom’s place trying to cuddle my little brother to sleep, I received a phone call. The number wasn’t part of my contact list but truecaller came in handy. I received and shock on me it was James. He had gone back to the restaurant and found out I left. We talked and again after a little interrogation he asked me to send him my CV and he will see what he can do about it. And I agreed again to meet him for the date.
Well, long story short, a week later we met with James. I remember we went to three different restaurants in one night simply looking for a comfortable place. He was sweet, he would open the door for me, he pulled my seats and he knew exactly what to say and how to say it. He was perfect!
We didn’t start dating right away until one day he invited me to his house (the mancave) and after that beautiful date, with lovely moments of preparing dinner together and feeding each other did I accept to start dating him. It was finally official. We were in a relationship. James was sweet, caring and a very understanding man. He was feeding me with all the feel good stuff that a perfect boyfriend was supposed to do.
We spent so much time together and at first this seemed really sweet that everywhere he goes I am by his side. Little did I know, He was isolating me from my friends and my family and before I knew it I was in his web. An innocent bystander wrapped up in his game. James and I would text, spend even more time together, and have extremely deep conversations about life and our past experiences( he loved talking about his exes).
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Slowly I realised I was not being myself around him. I began to feel nervous in his presence, I had a dry mouth constantly, I felt I had to psyche myself up before seeing him in presenting this happy, fun girlfriend persona. I lost weight and had no energy. I ignored the warning signs that presented themselves throughout our relationship: his gestures of a controlling nature, subtle knocks of my confidence, even his cousin warned me off him. He was very devious, and would copycat “good boyfriend” behaviour that I would placate myself with when I had doubts about him.
I had an innate sense that something wasn’t right, but yet I silenced this inner voice, telling myself I was being too sensitive, too emotional. I cried a lot. I was in a job that I hated and felt displaced. I clung to him and detested myself for it, knowing that it wasn’t me and told him so frequently. I confessed to feeling vulnerable, an admonition that truly pained the bones of me. He would reassure me in displays of the ‘good boyfriend’ behaviour, usually resulting with me feeling like an irrational, emotional wreck.
We had so many fight with James. If it wasn’t his cheating and finding used condoms in the house, then it was his late night video calls, if not his nasty messages between him and “his friends “…he could go on a trip, stay silent the whole time only for me to find pictures in his phone with a close “girlfriend “. All these fights when I tried to bring up these issues ended terribly. He had anger management issues this even his friends warned me. He would get physical, things will be broken and finally I would get chased out of his house regardless of the time.
I remember one incident, when we had a misunderstanding and since he named me the “crazy” one, he chased me out of his house. I collected my stuff and few clothes he had thrown outside his door and called myself an Uber. When the Uber driver finally showed up, James became even more mad. He did not understand how I can request a ride after curfew hours and I get someone.
To him this poor guy was my other boyfriend. Too much drama followed to the extent of James calling his police friends to come arrest the Uber driver. Finally, they let him go. I was left outside his gate at 2:32 am in the night with my clothes in a pile next to me. As for James and his friend, they too left and drove off. This was one of the longest nights of my entire life.
After all this, I still went back. He apologised and after a few explanations, he made me believe it was my all fault. If I stop doing the things he pointed out then we will stop fighting. And so I agreed and started working on everything he said to make him happy and have my relationship work.
And again it would happen, we get into a misunderstanding, he gets physical, abusive and I end up thrown outside. It was a cycle and I did know how to end or stop it. All I knew was I was “crazy” and if I can find a way to stop it and make him look at me differently then I will save my relationship. I started doing extra things like buying food in the house, paying some of the bills, taking his daughter out shopping and just making sure everything is up to his standard.
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I strained myself so much; I got stressed since I didn’t have any income or job at the moment. I would borrow money left right and centre just so I can maintain this habit he appreciates and be good for something. All that mattered to me was his happiness and for him to see me worth of something. But still nothing changed.
My health got worse each day. And one day, I found out I was pregnant. But as much as I wanted to keep my baby so much my body could not bare it. I was underweight, was barely eating, and still I cried a lot. Well for James he was busy entertaining his other girlfriend and going on road trips. I lost my baby.
This hurts me till today. I still stayed. When James got sick from his numerous sexual partners….I remember this day like it was yesterday. I’d seen him exchanging text messages with one of his closest lady friend. He had gone for an HIV test but according to him the results came out invalid. So he was advised to do a second test. He did. But now he was too scared to go back for the results. This happened when I just got back to the house from my mother’s after my miscarriage.
I lost it. My whole world came stumbling down on me. I remember I started walking absent minded and ended up all the way in Langata from Kilimani. James called me and we agreed to meet at an LVCT. We both tested. Unfortunately, he wasn’t so lucky but I was. I cried so much after this. To me it was all my fault.
If I was the girlfriend he wanted me to be then none of this would be happening to him. So I promised myself that I will do everything in my power to make sure he is well taken care of. I decided to start taking Prep as well so we could both be taking drugs, have normal sex and let him know we are in this together.
NOTHING CHANGED. IT GOT WORSE!
After years of this I cracked.
I decided to end it.
What ensued after this was the darkest and lowest period of my life. Not because I mourned the loss of my ex and that relationship, but because I mourned the loss of myself. What I had allowed myself to become – my lack of identity. That I had known right down in the cells of my being that he was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, and I ignored it. I ignored my powers of perception and what my body was telling me, my GUT INSTINCT. I felt I had betrayed myself and allowed him with his clever subtle controlling tactics to facilitate this. I knew he loved me or at least that what l convinced myself.
My family intervened after a while. My poor mum received so many hysterical phone calls from me, and I suffered panic attacks if I saw something that reminded me of him. A cloud started to hover over my vision and I couldn’t see beyond it, I couldn’t predict any future of happiness. My family worried that I was on the brink of depression due to the many attempts to take my own life so I moved back to my mom’s house and painstakingly slowly with the love and support of my family I recuperated a sense of myself.
I went on walks, I gorged myself on Valentine’s cakes, I spoke in depth about my emotions to my mom and my counselor. I still cried A LOT, but slowly the cloud above my vision lessened and I cancelled my appointment to see the Doctor about my possible depression.
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And this is how Sere Africa was born. A brand that saved me from looking back and thinking about what I went through. I spent most of my time, looking up for designs, engaging with people and exploring more on the fashion world. Sere Africa saved me.
When I reflected back on my relationship with my ex and found that I could laugh about things-how the things that had initially appealed to me about him were hollow and pure posing on his part. How his house was a show home for the girls he met on dating websites which he used to portray this deep, arty, edgy character that he simply had no clue of in the first place. He had no insights into the artwork displayed in his house. I realized that I was perhaps a more interesting and intelligent character than he was (if my life wasn’t soo boring), and he had attempted to subdue these qualities in me in order to feel better about himself.
Sure, I made mistakes (a lot of them), like rekindling an old relationship and got hurt again, but knew it was nothing in comparison to what I had previously endured, I felt stronger. I found work in an environment of female kindness and companionship; I got into a short-lived relationship with my self which helped me with my confidence and self-esteem.
I started to enjoy simple things like making myself egg and homemade chicken wings for breakfast and watching The Real.
I experienced highs and lows, but knew I was a survivor. Now I’ve started again with an open heart, I have my brand (Sere Africa) and know I will be alright. Yes, I experienced cruelty that murdered a certain trusting part of me, but following that I got to appreciate how truly lovely and kind people can be too. From my constantly supportive mom, to the kindly taxi driver who drove me home sobbing one night for just 100kes.
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I am starting to rediscover who I am again, what things I like, what gives me pleasure. It’s not easy, and starting over was foreign territory to me. Simple things like seeing an affectionate couple in the street make my chest ache, yet I am convinced my time will come. I believe you can’t make homes out of human beings but here l am again with nothing but a grateful heart that longs for love and affection, and I’ve realized that I need to make a comfortable living space for myself in my head before inviting anyone in.
Writing this and sharing my story with you has been cathartic and extremely helpful in my healing process. You will heal, too. Time will open up a door for you and you will run through that door, slam it behind you, and never look back! You can do this. You can leave. Keep a tight network of friends and family. Let them know what narcissistic abuse is. Educate them on how it is different that just a bad relationship; that it is literal HELL.
You are not alone. Get out. Make sure you establish the NO CONTACT rule and do not let them hoover you back in.
With so much love,
Happiness Mwisha
Sijesoma
Hehe so as usual, the man was 100% to blame, woman 100% perfect.
As an experienced guy, I can tell you for sure the lady was the narcissist. She seems so full of herself and chances are high that alishikwa kwa ukunguru akajaribu kugeuzia jamaa.
What happened,mtu anipe samali
…sijasoma but siwezi mind venye @Tom Bayeye amesema hapo juu. Summary tafasali.
Weka picha zake, hizi hekaya zote ni mbuuuushit.
hata nilipwe siwes soma hio ushenzi
Nimejaribu kusoma but when I thought what I’ve read is the last paragraph naona ingine imetokea chini as I scroll, nikaachana na ghasia
We should hear something from the other side too
Upuzi. Story is like 1000 paragraphs. Summarize.
lady is toxic, guy cheats , she is aware of it, and when he gets aids, she walks out