Are you still mourning the ‘ex’ that never was?

This unfortunately affects women the most. For men if he figures you are out of his league after trial ,they count their loses and move on…

http://www.nation.co.ke/lifestyle/Living/Are-you-still-mourning-the-ex-that-never-was/-/1218/2950304/-/jwvrr4/-/index.html [ATTACH=full]20687[/ATTACH]

I recently discovered an interesting relationship ailment: that of people who are struggling to overcome a ‘relationship’ with an “ex” that never was.

This person, the ex, that is, is a person that one had a serious crash on or secretly admired, though a relationship never came to be. Could this unrequited attraction affect your current relationship?

Possibly everyone reading this would have their own story to tell, a story about someone you were really attracted to or even loved, but for some reason, a relationship did not blossom.

With time, the spark died off and you moved on. For others however, the spark stays on, never igniting, but never dying off either. Here are some possible reasons why this might happen.

First, you lacked the courage to make your feelings known, and as a result, you lost the chance to be with that person. Maybe he/she was your boss for instance, and you could not easily approach him/her.

In some cases, and this is a more critical scenario, you may have personality challenges, such as shyness or a low esteem that holds you back from making a move even when all conditions are ripe.

Second, circumstances might be that the person you desire was out of reach the first time you met. An obvious example is when the subject of your fantasy is already in a stable relationship, probably married. In normal circumstances, many people would

consider that a passing cloud and recover once it passes. Some however have difficulties letting go, even when they are holding nothing in the first place.

Closely related is a situation where physical separation happens before one has made a move. For instance, I read a story of a couple who were separated by war, went on to marry and have families, but got married when they both became available.

Guess after how long? 70 years! It can’t get any real than that!

To begin with, a person in these circumstances is perpetually in hunting mode, never satisfied with whom they have at any one time.

REGRET AND WISHFUL THINKING

They might move on under the pressure of circumstances, but will find it very difficult to maintain a relationship. They harbour feelings of regret, other times the crash is re-enacted, and in some instances, wishful thinking that somehow, providence will give him/her another go at it.

It therefore follows that the person they long for becomes the standard against which other potential or current partners are measured. And we all know that a lover remains perfect as long as he/she is still an unachieved target, right?

In such a scenario then, one is comparing a real person with an imaginary one, and needless to say, the real one will always lose. That is a good recipe for constant conflict in that relationship.

WAY FORWARD

A good place to start is to acknowledge that such feelings exist, rather than try to suppress them. It does not mean you are abnormal, rather, suggests that you have to work harder to banish these feelings.

Follow this acceptance with a confession to someone you can trust, possibly a counsellor, so that the whole gamut of emotions in you is dealt with.

Should your partner know about this? I would say no, until you have fully processed your feelings. Even then, carefully assess the value such a revelation would add to your relationship before you act.

What about the object of your fantasy? Should you let your feelings to him or her known? This could cause serious conflict especially if this person is married or in a relationship.

If you are in contact with this person, it is time to server these link, and with this, hopefully banish this long-held fantasy.

this what senior and elders villagers refused copy pasting articles to the site

we also have the ones that got away without taking a bite

Ex is a bad idea. From what I know, mkishikana tena, haitawahi kuwa vile ilikuwa zamani.

Once had a chic, she left me. Hadi nikaenda kwa pastor.
Hadi nikaandika ngoma ati niko studio naenda kuwa star.
Hadi nalala 4am na 620am niko macho kama Muite.

When we got back together, few months in, relationship was odd. I had changed, she had changed… Nikamdoomp.
That was 10 years ago but I’ll never forget it.

6 Likes

Thanks for putting it here I saw it in the paper but wasn’t able to read it.

I can relate to it.

There was a chic i happened to deeply fall in love with slowly by slowly over time. When i finally gathered the courage to tell her and hoping to date her,she was already taken. It was heart breaking and i had to make peace with it. She probably respects me since i didnt try to demean her or make her feel bad as most people who dont know how to handle a rejection would,i composed myself. we still talk.

1 Like

That’s the way real men do it…take rejection like a boss. Make her think twice about you

1 Like

well done. rejection should not be a license for name-calling. it’s an avenue for growth.

2 Likes

@The.Black.Templar you can say that again, I once took rejection like a boss. we remained in the same social circles, kumbe dame amefunikia mawazo kunihusu. Ngoja one time she realized am fading away from her presence. Rumors reached her that i was at a party where i bought beer to a girl like there was no tomorrow and the girl looked like a good take for me. One time while out of the country, she broke several months of silence in a facebook message which i replied with five words, read cold. I immediately knew “Thiga niarua” (Thiga has been circumcised). Two days after my arrival back, she made deliberate plans to bump into me at a mutual friends party. In the idle chit chat at the party, i dropped hint to her friend that i was dumped and am moving on alone. I made sure she overheard me saying casually that she dumped me. Fast forward, she ended up in my place that night. in what could only be imagined like a scene from the mexican soap operas, she minced no words to regret the break up, tell me all the mushene she has heard about me and other girls and basically admitted she cant handle it any more. she was forthright to tell me of mafisi who flatly told her they waited us to part ways coz they did not think they had a chance in my presence but she could not handle that. a full hekaya deserves a fresh post as i tell you where she is and how we relate today, but i second your message, when you are rejected, move on like a boss.

3 Likes

:D:D:D:D
that is a finisher
:D:D:D

2 Likes

bring on the hekaya

chinda ya huku hekaya mbira mbisha haiaminiki hata kama ni ya ukweri.

weee weka tu

Mnataka nani asome hizi zote na nangoja kulewa?