BEING A MAN IS A LONELY BUSINESS
By Jacob Aliet
I have a friend who read UNPLUGGED last year, a very good IT UI/UX consultant (that’s User Interface and User eXperience). The book disrupted the comfortable beta life he was enjoying.
He was the kind of guy who, every Friday after work, would meet up with his buddies in designated clubs. They would catch up and crack jokes and drink, as occasionally they would rise up and yell as a goal was scored or missed narrowly on the huge screens streaming EPL matches above. Most of the jamaaz in his group were former schoolmates, neighbors, and so on. It was a tightly knit group. Among them, financially, he was in the upper percentile, which meant that he would often be sponsoring the drinks for the broke guy in the group, the guy having a rough patch, or just the kawa mannerless freeloaders. Each group has them. Bure kabisa.
Of course, it also massages the ego when your buddies know you are winning and can step in and salvage the situation. You have a ka new kamoti and so on. You get respect. People rush when you raise a hand and the watchman watches your car very closely because you tip him regularly.
They would pare till like 2AM, and then he would spend Saturday wasted as f and nursing a hangi. Sunday, he would probably go to Church, still be recovering, or slumped on the sofa watching garbage on TV.
Unplugged made him question this. His comfortable life was thrown off kilter.
He went to the cashier of the pub one Sunday evening and asked him, “Sasa Kevo? Hebu niangalilie last month nilispend pesa ngapi hapa in total.” He realized he was spending about 30k in the club monthly.
He stopped dead cold.
He had been struggling to look for a house for years, scratching his head over getting a mortgage or buying land as years passed him by. He realized with the money he was wasting on drinks, he could have afforded a mortgage if he started years ago. He was now clocking 40. He stopped drinking, bought land, and is now planning to start building.
He had hit the concrete ceiling at his workplace and needed another job but was half-assedly looking for another job. When he stopped drinking, he applied for other jobs more seriously and got another job in one month flat. Also, with his Saturdays now finding him firing on all cylinders in terms of his cognition, he racked up his consultancy gigs and is bringing in an extra 100k from his side hustles.
He was telling me he hadn’t touched alcohol for six months straight and how his life had changed. Having a clear mind on Saturdays, that alone, he told me, made it worth it.
He has more money in his pocket, and his plans are panning out. He is busy talking to architects, reviewing building plans, and attending to his consultancy clients. That’s where he gets his dopamine nowadays: from accomplishments. Not cheap sources like alcohol.
He says his friends call occasionally, but he is not going back to that life. When he gets tired, he goes for a walk or sleeps. He looks back and wants to kick himself for wasted years.
“Ningekuwa mbali sana saa hizi,” he tells me.
Now, guys, it is no longer acceptable to be average for a man in this life. AI will replace most average people and average skills. You have to be exceptional.
In fact, if you think leading an average life is okay, you should not be following me.
Mediocrity is what keeps us beta.
Do not waste any time or money on good times with friends. That’s what betas do. Determine what you need to do to increase your value or net worth and focus on that. Develop meaningful friendships and networks.
Have around you guys who are committed to growth.
Real recognizes real. You must first build yourself up, which means taking the lonely path, putting yourself first, and separating yourself from the pack. After you have done the work, other high-value people will find you.
You don’t look for them by registering in a golf club and playing golf with men who have earned their stripes: do the work first. They will smell your fakery.
There are no shortcuts. You cannot fake success. Do the work.
When you start to become a better man, you will set on that path alone, like a warrior going on a mission.
You will endure family and friends trying to bring you back down to their level. You can even be told you are selfish when you refuse to attend some BS baby birthday that will chew your entire afternoon.
You may have to endure entitled women treating you like complete crap or trying to mold you back into a beta.
Do not be tempted to go back to the easy life of comfort, compliance, and conformity.
Anything that builds a man has a degree of suffering and sacrifice.
If you are not willing to sacrifice your comforts, you will never stand out and be of high value.
Suffering makes you resilient. You forge your identity through the sacrifices you make and the reputation you build with yourself.
The promises you make to yourself matter the most, not pleasing people, not winning the approval of your mates, and not the cheap dopamine from alcohol and doing low-value things like entertainment.
After all, in the end, as a man, you are alone.
Most of the things men held onto are slipping away. Ngugi wa Thiongo, 85, a literary master with gazillion accolades, is getting divorced. Jeff Bezos was left. Bill Gates was left.
The kids leave and go start their own lives.
The world is not the same world we grew up in anymore.
More and more, the prospect of dying surrounded by adoring family and grandchildren is becoming elusive for most men.
The best you can do is be true to yourself and put yourself first.
Be the best version of yourself.
What have you promised yourself lately?