This week has got me thinking hard about alot of things, my sheltered life doesnt bring into my consciousness. The story of a young lady who alleges that she was gangraped by two rugby players in their house after her birthday party, got me thinking what if that was one or even both of my daughters. It made me realise that its time I had that dreaded talk moms must have with their daughters. When I was growing up, I always wondered why my mom would never talk to me about my period,about boys and about sex. Now that I am a mother of girls, I understand why its such a daunting task. You as a mother dont want to come to terms with the fact that your babies are losing their innocence and that as they grow up and move further away from you and into the world you are losing the capacity to shelter them from the cold and cruel world.
Many of us women have grown up with poor role models of what a good male female relationship is like. As we grow up as boys and girls the template we have of manhood and womanhood and male female relationship is what we see in our parents’ marriage, their day to day life. Many of us women start with a distorted template of how men should treat us and how we should relate to men. If as a woman you see your dad treat your mom like garbage while your mom jumps through hoops to please your dad, this is the kind of relationships you will gravitate towards. IMVHO women dont love bad boys, they gravitate towards bad boys because thats all theyve internalised through out their formative years. Boys can grow up in bad home situations and not be as damaged by it as girls because men’s life is mostly an external one, meaning outside the home is the place they make meaning of and learn about life unlike girls who home is everything to them. When a woman’s marriage isnt working , she’s incapacitated as a mother. Children particularly girls look to their mothers for attention, affection and approval because moms are the person who spends most time with the kids. For some women who suffer verbal and even physical abuse they become abusive to their kids sometimes without even realising it.
The average girl from a two parent home, becomes an adult with a great deficit of attention,approval and affection. She becomes an adult having been modeled to by her mother , a woman who has little worth in the eyes of a man. Her template of womanhood and what men to be attracted to is severely distorted and harmful to her self esteem ,her confidence and her value/worth/place in the world. Goals help one feel in control of their life. When a woman feels that she is in complete control of her life she is not just waiting around for life to happen to her, go along with the latest fads, or to to be invited over to a friend’s home at all hours of the night. Simply put her personal agenda is the compass for her life, not trends ,peer pressure and men. When a woman has goals she looks at everything she does in terms of how beneficial that action or lack thereof, to her goals. Such a woman doesnt live other peoples’ lives and doesnt get caught up in other peoples agenda because she is the captain of her ship and leader not a follower peer pressure to drink,drug and have boyfriends and sex. Its easier to be principled when you’re very clear about what you as a woman wants out of life. Such a woman wont feel left out or less than when her friends are out in discos and she is enjoying a quiet,relaxed evening at home.
I know it sounds old school but for real if there was ever a time for women to completely switch off from sex until marriage it is now because many men in the dating pool have been brainwashed into seeing women as objects for use and then discard. Once a woman goes down this route her self esteem will become systematically eroded and she will need male affirmation more and more after every ‘relationship’ ends. The popular culture that people need to lose their virginity as a routine rite of passage once they reach a certain age is a lie from hell to ruin women’s self esteem and to ruin future marriage. At certain age brackets men are just not interested in marriage, theyre too young or just not ready for financial or psycho social reasons. No girl should date until she is ready for marriage even if it is a celibate relationship a woman is bound to get an emotional attachment to the man she is dating which will lead to heartache when the couple break up which is highly likely when a man is at a point where he isnt ready for marriage. The other thing is that girls should avoid being alone with men and do group activities or group dates to avoid falling for and getting attached to the men she goes on dates with. Men also have the habit of bragging about sleeping with a woman if she is constantly seen in his company which can ruin her reputation and standing in society making her a low value woman in the eyes of other men and even women.
A girl must take full responsibility for her personal security and her psychological and emotional wellbeing. A woman can not abdicate the responsibility of her personal security to any man meaning that if say walking from a date or meeting a man asks her to pass through a dark alley she will say no knowing that in the event there are thieves she will be more vulnerable than men. By the way the reason am not directing any expectations to the men is the simple reason that the only person a woman has control over is herself. She can not control a man she dates or a man who ends up in her house or his all alone. Women often are too trusting for their own good. Women often think that men will be as reliable as a woman would be and as trustworthy or as sincere as the woman is. Nothing could be further from the truth because men are more in the world than women since childhood and as a result are alot more corrupted than women. A woman should never risk being alone anywhere with a man even if she knows the guy from kindergarten especially if he is in the company of other men. When a woman isnt deluded about how things work in the real world she will be crystal clear in her mind that she can not trust a man. She will also be aware that to many men dating and buying a woman drinks is a signal that a woman is willing to sleep with the man. A woman must never drink alcohol with men because alcohol makes women drunk much faster than it does men. A woman must never be alone with a man because men feel entitled to sex once he’s dated a woman or bought her drinks. Women should avoid pubs and clubs altogether because of spiking and chaotic environment and consumption of drugs and alcohol not to mention the frame of mind of men in such settings which is that these places are frequented by women of loose morals and that they are there for easy non committal sex.
As parents of girls we must not sugarcoat the fact that the world is a very dangerous place for women and that her sexual integrity can not be entrusted to any man because there is too much at stake for a woman to delegate her safety to anyone but herself . This includes unfortunately even fellow women Ive heard of stories where a group of girls go out having made a pact that they will look out for each other. Only for them to abandon one another in the throws of partying and they themselves becoming intoxicated. In other words, a woman must avoid places where she can be vulnerable such as clubs and house parties where she could easily be drugged and taken advantage of even if she is in the company of female friends. Avoiding being alone with men since men are stronger than women and can easily overpower her. Being out after dark and walking in dark alleys/streets also make a woman more vulnerable than keeping daytime hours. Basically, women must take 100% responsibility for her wellbeing and security by mapping her risk areas and then manage or mitigate that risk by avoiding any circumstance which she may lose control of.
I know that advising women how not to get raped seems like victim blaming but the truth is that we dont live in a perfect world. In a perfect world women could be out all hours of the night,go to parties or sleep over in a man’s house and be very safe. Unfortunately we live in a fallen society which has perverted the mind of many men to a point that victimising ,taking advantage of,using and abusing women is lauded as a symbol of powerful manhood and dominance. Women have more at stake and are more at risk for all negative consequences of forced se or even consensual sex outside the security of marriage. One sexual act can change a woman’s life forever, she can get HIV and other incurable STIs or get PG and then be compelled to have a backstreet abortion out of desperation, stigma of the single motherhood, fear of bringing dishonor to one’s family. Many women especially those who have high moral standing in society like Pastor’s kids ,upon discovering that they have unwanted pregnancy commit suicide. Therefore there being so much to lose for women, they must take their security very seriously and guard it fiercely. Women must ensure that at all times they are in complete control of their bodies and of their environment and safety.
Let’s be very honest with ourselves the odds are stacked against women even if they do report sexual assault and the consequences are felt most by the woman and the impact can be most detrimental to women forever changing the course of her life for example if she is infected with HIV . In life, there are so many things that arent how we would like them to be, the best thing we can do is to accept the reality and then do everything in our power to protect our sexual integrity and our futures.A wise person never puts their lives and future in other people’s hands they know they are the best defenders and protectors of their own bodies. I do not mean that women are responsible for being violated by men. I am saying that once a woman is raped there is alot at stake, a woman is at risk of irrevocable life long damage in all aspects of their being.
So this is all I have to say but I advice mothers and even fathers to sit their daughters down and help them come to terms with reality of how the world can be a dangerous place for women. Dads and moms and aunts an guardians and siblings must clearly spell out what scenarios should be avoided at all costs to avoid being victimised much in the same way you would advice your daughter not to wear flashy jewellery in town or use their expensive phone on the streets. It doesnt mean that thieves have a right to mug you or that they are not to blame for robbing you or dont deserve to be punished. It means that she is not at the mercy of thieves rather she can be in better control if she will mitigate her risk the best she can. Naivety is not a defence so women and girls must not have false sense of security in your idealised notion of what men are and what the world is.
As a so called Feminazi I believe that women are the salt of the earth and they will be better at making the world a better if they are happy and if they feel safe then they will contribute more and contribute better to the world, their family and everyone in her sphere of influence. When we were children our parents put limits on us , and we were safe and sheltered and as a result we were better able to develop and become the best we could be as children. We heeded and obeyed those limits put to keep us safe. As adults and even as teenagers we take the place of our parents, we become the authority figure in our lives. So we as women must also set limits for ourselves that will empower us and keep us sheltered and safe from the dangers and ugly realities that lurk in the real world. As women we many at times may feel that the world,the society and men are biased against us because of victim shaming. However, we can protect ourselves by saying no to anyone or anything that puts us at risk of being abused,used and victimised. This is the best thing we can do for ourselves in the face of all the ills in this world. The world need not corrupt us or make us jaded. The same way our parents sheltered us from the ugliness in the world, we as daughters,mothers and wives can shelter ourselves by giving anything with a capacity to bring that ugliness into our bodies,our happiness,our lives and souls/spirits a very wide berth. Take yourself out of harm’s way, so that you’re never in situation where you are relying on another person for your personal safety.That to me is wielding power even when you live in a world where a women are powerless.
In my own life, I have a standard where before I do anything , I ask myself , if my daughters were in this situation I find myself in what would I have wanted her to do and then I do what I think would be best for my daughters. If I would not allow my daughters to go for sleepover in a man’s house then I certainly will not allow myself to do it. If I would never allow my kids to go to Safari Sevens because of the drinking and promiscuity and how vulnerable it can make a woman then I myself can not go there.
We must be very explicit in educating our daughters of the many risks in the world, better they lose their rosy outlook on life but not get a rude awakening when the damage has already be done. Better safe than sorry.
For the men, I believe you know that taking advantage of an intoxicated woman is wrong on very many levels. Imagine if that woman is your sister or daughter how would you like her treated even if she was drunk, even if she went alone to a man’s house. Would you gang rape her the entire night then wake up in the morning and look for more men to rape her? Ofcourse you wouldnt. This bonding over abusing women is very demonic to say the least.So wrong is it that a man who did this to a woman he picked in a bar was convicted for 12 years . Please if you have been doing this please please stop. Let you as a man be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. Thanks and God Bless.