A masterpiece from the Best..

I have a problem with quitting many things; like how I just wake up on a Saturday with a hangover that looks like malaria+zika virus combined, and pronounce that I will never ever take Wakihara special vodka again. Then later in the day after taking thufu of knees and regaining some strength, I go back and grab a mug of Wakihara special.

I also keep quitting seeing canaan and declare that I will not think of this ‘land of milk and honey’ until marriage, but then wake up with kababa at attention everyday, violently demanding for dialogue. And so after several days of ignoring him, he starts embarrassing me even in public by asking for his rights anywhere including when you are just about to alight a matatu, and you have to bear alighting looking like you have a torch in your pocket. Soon, i give in and show him canaan. However, the day I quit weed/fangi, I have never looked back. Each time I remember the days I used to smoke fangi, I sing that Greek song that goes “dahunyukite ngiuma kwa waing’a2…woi kwa waing’a digacoka2”…the song is not translatable to English, but it simply means I was delivered from satan’s arms and will never go back there. Now before I finally managed to quit, fangi had shown me many things.

It had taken me to the moon and other worlds, and even went close to giving me a chance to talk to Meshack and Abednego on how they managed to walk through fire without getting burnt. Now there is this particular day our local peddler was arrested, after he got so high and decided that the only way to clear the many rats in his house was by burning the house down altogether. This meant that we had to go to another peddler. Now in the rules of fangi smokers, changing of the supplier is highly discouraged, as it can take you to new high levels. There was this ninja who used to supply high quality fangi from Western, and so I went to him and bought a joint. I then went back to the house and blazed it. By the time I finished it, I was feeling super high. On this day, the fangi told me to be emotional. I sat and started meditating about all my sins and how they had caused many people pain and problems. After tracing all my activities with the help of the fangi in my head, I felt like I was partly to blame for the 2007 PEV, the Darfur crisis and even the instability of Somalia. I also thought about all my exes, one by one, and I felt I was the reason for all the break ups, including one who was snatched from me by a sponsor, where I still blamed myself for being poor and not being able to compete with the sponsor. I felt tears in my eyes and the need to repent. I took the bible and started perusing through. Then I took my phone and googled bible verses about sinning. It took me to Matthew 5:30 which says “…And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away…it is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell…” I looked at myself and asked which part was causing me to sin, and definitely it was kababa. When I was still thinking of what to do with kababa, the news came on TV and my attention was shifted to the beautiful Lilian Muli. I still say Lilian somehow saved my kababa that day. Maybe I would have appeared on the news the following day like “A man chops off his kababa in a religious cleansing.” So I shifted from repenting to the news. I still don’t know how, but I felt like the news was a conversation between me and Lilian. She could say ati “Heavy rains are expected in Nairobi”…and I would ask “haiya from when dear?”.She would respond “Meteorologists say it could start any time from now”…”so what should we do Lilian”…and she would say “mmh lets catch up with our reporter Francis Gachuri for more on this”, and then she would exit smiling, and I would smile back.
My mind was that f*ked up. Then they brought another persons to read sijui business news and I was like “weh nawe wi waku?” (weh na wewe ni wa wapi?)…She started talking about shares sijui that dropped and others that climbed and ended up losing me…the ‘climbing’ I know is totally different from what she was talking about). That’s when I felt so hungry and decided to go out look for supper. I walked to WaJothefu kibandanski and ordered two ugalis and one head of goat na pilipili kwa umbali. I ate that head like a carnivore, and left it looking like a 100 years old fossil. Any dog that came across that skull must have cursed me coz I left no element of meat on it. After I was full, I decided to pass through Wakihara special joint to say hi to friends there.
I found Kimani, the local veteran donkey driver holding his chin in one corner and I went to where he was. I asked him cheerfully “woi kwani punda zimekulana zikashindwa na kazi?”. He looked up and signaled me to sit next to him, still holding his chin. He then came close to my ear and told me, “imagine nilipata bibi yangu rife rife akinyanduliwa na kijana ile makanga yangu ya gari ya funda”. I looked at him and asked “uliwapata rife rife?”. He looked at me and said, “ata ile kitu ilinishangaza sio kuwapata,ni ile kukunjwa alikuwa amekunjwa,na mimi ananiambianga ako na shida ya mifupa”,by the time he finished saying that, I was on the floor laughing. For those who don’t know, when high on fangi, you are advised to avoid starting laughing because you don’t stop. Irrespective of how sad the story was, I could not hold the laughter and Kimani started wondering kwani what else I know….

Ebu kwanza niingie WaJothefu kibandanski nikule lunch tutaongea…leo kunakuanga na offer ya avocado kwa githeri na inaishanga mapema.


Paragraphing, Paragraphs, Paragraphication, Paragraphsaization, Para… Wacha tu



Acknowledge source though.

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My thoughts but iko on point kiasi cha haja

Hata mimi nimeisoma… lakini jo, distraction kidogo unaanza kutafuta mahali ulikuwa umefikia…

Note:Now its much better

Wacha nichukue ruler nisome hii

Tulisema huyu Ole Weru aletwe hapa na apewe Village Elder

Nimeisoma lakini nafikiri ni ya kuibiwa.


Kumbe English has no word for kuparara…
It’s probably an African problem

How about ashy for kuparara