"As reported by one Ole Weru"
It is said that we Greeks get hammered by our wives so much, something which I always disagree with. In fact the truth is, we Greeks love and respect our wives so much such that in case of a disagreement and there is violence kidogo, we let them beat us without laying a hand on them. Greek men are just the best-soft and respectful coughs. However, there are isolated cases of real hammering. Many years ago, I was once a victim of being hammered by a girl, something which gave me phobia over any woman taller than me even by a centimeter. Figinia (Virginia) was a classmate many years ago, and she used to be a quiet girl, who chose to keep things to herself. Now one thing about Figinia was her exceptional height, as she was quite tall for her age, and well fed. In Greek we say she had breast fed with both makais (cheeks).
Now back in the day, I was also a quiet boy (I still am) whose only dream in life was to be a pilot and have a beautiful wife and a big house. I lost the first dream of being a pilot after smoking fangi along the way, but am still chasing the 2nd and the 3rd, though the 2nd is also fading due to high rates of rejection and sponsor infiltration. But weâll see. Again, back then, most of my classmates were also big boys who had already known the use of kababa, while I still thought it was a smaller leg used for peeing competitions. The girls were also very big, infact some already had firstborns.
So it was an unfortunate time for me as I could not attract any persons at the time. However, Figinia too did not attract any boys due to her character and also size. So one day I called myself a small meeting and thought, why should I not approach Figinia and try my luck? Satans even told me that I would also grow taller with time. I thought of this over some time, and decided to start the mission the following week on a Monday. So over that weekend prior to the Monday, I rehearsed a few lines and possible answers I would get from her. Its like I had a conversation with myself over how I would make the approach. On Monday morning, I made sure I applied Arimis on my face until it reflected light. I also did the same to my legs which used to see Arimis only on Sundays, my birthday and Jesusâs birthday. Then I went to school with hopes and high expectations.
When I got to the class and saw Figinia, I felt kiundu excitement funny funny in my heart and nervous at the same time. I decided to make my move at break time, to give me ample time to drive my lines home and win Figinia. Indeed, love is blind. I could not even understand why I thought she was tall all this time. She looked my size now. Throughout the morning lessons, I could not concentrate. Now I forgot to say that Figinia was also the type who used to get masomo in one ear and it would go through the other ear faster than it came in. Meaning that her and education were like njoki chege and momos or petrol and waterâcouldnât mix. The best she ever performed was getting a daudi msalaba (D+) in GHC where we were all forced to clap for her. Mathematics for her was even worse coz she never got marks higher than her age. Infact, it took a lot of caning to make her understand that the = sign was not two ââve â signs. So what I mean is that she used to get caned a lot for not getting things.
So on that day, I remember she was asked the opposite of hard, and I think she understood hand coz she said the opposite is leg. She was thoroughly caned and I felt like shedding a tear. I cursed that teacher countless times for caning Figinia. So finally it was breaktime. I first went to the door to wait as Figinia walked out so that I could say Hi and walk with her outside. When she approached, I started smiling at her exposing my molars and pre-molars. She looked at me with the corner of her eyes and asked ânikii urathekia kihiiâ (what are you laughing at kipii)?..That was a big setback. Again, being called kipii infront of other girls was not the best way to start things. Other boys laughed at this so hard and started inciting me ati âaaaai mimi nikaitwo hifyo siwezi enda choo wiki yoteââŚbut I let it slide, all in the name of love.
I did not talk to her again as we all went out. When outside, I waited until the time Figinia was alone and approached her again. This time, she looked more friendly and asked me ânini unataka wewe?â. I looked at her nervously and suddenly words flew from my mind and I didnât have anything to say. She looked at me and gave me a warning; ândakwona hakuhi nanie ringi weeh!!! (if I see you near me again!!) she said as she was pointing at me with all fingers. By this time, the boys had gathered again and they saw as Figinia pushed me away as she went. The jeering was too much and boys said that I was shaming them. We now went back to class and the jeering continued. I had to do something.
I decided to go to Figinia and ask her to apologize for first calling me kipii, and then pushing me. When I stood up, the boys cheered me like a hero. I went to Figinia and told her she had carried me baby. But she responded by âsi nilikwambia ukae mbali na mimi wewe?â. But I couldnât let it slide this time so I asked her âkwani utafanyaâ?. What followed was a moment when I saw stars, the moon, planet Pluto and father Abraham. That people was the hardest slap I have ever had on my face, but I was still standing. The jeering continued and I had to respond. Just then, I remembered what boys used to say back then, that for you to beat a girl, aim at the nyonyos first.
That was the gravest mistake I have ever done because the moment I went for the nyonyos, it was followed by a total hammering and being thrown from one corner to another, wrestling style. I was saved by the teacher who was coming for the next lesson, but he made a big mistake by chasing both of us outside the classroom. So the war continued outsideâŚit was a long day indeed. I was beaten home and awayâŚWeeeewe. Taller women is a no no for me. Let me not be able!