Have you ever been beaten by a woman? I have. I do not hate the Luo but I do not date or try even try to look at Luo women. This might sound a bit myopic but this was brought about by a beating I received in the hands of a Luo woman.
Way way back when Mr. Abdalla was the controller of my life and when I used to have some little cash. Those days I used to ferk anything resembling the female of the human species without fear or favour.
So one day in my usual hustling niliangukia pesa kidogo na nikakafunga hapo hapo. Nikaingia mtaani na kuingia ka bar fulani na kuitisha Tusker. For a hustler like me then,a guy used to the kill me quick brands of alcohol,a Tusker was a big step up. So mi niko hapo nabembeleza Tusker isiishe haraka. Mara tu kimwoman kikaingia. Kimesimama kama @pamba kwenye guard of honour ya promulgation ya constitution.
Mr. Abdalla immediately took over. I signalled the mwoman to my table before anyone.
Without much ado and with the cash I had feeling like a million bob in my pocket,I asked the waitress to give the mwoman,Anyango,whatever she wanted. After four or five drinks and agreeing on the price I was to pay for spending the night with her we left for my house. Before I continue,let me remind me you that I was still living in the slum that is in Across The Creek.
So there we were right there heading to the slum. We got to the house and as usual with all slums,everyone akajua Scumbag ameng’oa. We had bought some chips mwitu and after dinner we started doing the necessary. I tool a slice and relaxed.
Sasa hapa ndo shetani alikuja in the form of my two room mates who were brothers. They were my cousins. In the scheme of things,I had invited the two waje wajaribu kutafuta riziki Mombasani. The bastards wakaja wamelewa na mnazi kama wajinga. Mimi nawaangalia tu. Am expecting them wasome radar wajitoe. Wapi? Wajinga wakableki kwa kitanda yao. Mistake number one. Kijinga kijinga nikaona mi ninyandue vitu walevi wamebleki. Mistake number two.
Kumbe wajinga walikuwa na dryspell ya mwaka and the thought nimeleta mwoman tutoe dryspell na wao. Mara Mwangi akaamka na kumwamsha ndugu yake. Ati Scumbag ndureke ndobokie kamwe… Scumbag why don’t let me take a shot. Mistake number three
The other brother woke up. Kumbe hii Jaluo mwoman understood everything. She was like ‘mureciria ni nii muguthica inyuothe?’… You think you gonna ferk me all of you?
The mwoman jumped on Mwangi and gave him a thrashing. Trying to separate them the other brother received a slap that silenced him for good. Through all that neighbours are banging at the door asking why we are fighting. Curiously the mwoman was silent though out the altercation. After finishing my cousins she turned on to me. I must say that she took advantage of my cousins inebriated state. And you all know we come from Nyeri…we do not beat mwoman. They beat us. Hehehehe…
So after she was through with my cousins she turned on me. Nikapata slap moja na nikaambiwa ninyamaze. My cousins wakajaribu kutoka waende wakalale kwingine. Mwoman akadai hawaendi walale pale pale. Na mimi nikapewa instructions. Si ulikwa unataka hii coomer. Basi utalala ndani yake. Hata kama hauna nyege lazima iwe ndani ya coomer ama nikuone war kama ile nimeona hawa mashoga…
And thats how I came to sleep atop a woman after a beating. But I did manage kushusha mara ingine moja before the night was over.
My aversion for Luo women started thus…