THE THIRST. It’s at an all-time high. For every girl that you reject for being unattractive or bitchy, there will be a line of men behind you trying to win her over. Go to Instagram right now and see for yourself: A young woman posts a photo of herself and some guy who has all the social graces of a British Duke leaves a comment so devoid of class, so parched of taste, it makes you want to hand the dude a bottle of Dasani water.
In Kenya, certain professions have been infiltrated by thirst like a virus on a victim’s body. Let’s mulika the one with the most ‘fisis’
Watchmen
The funny thing about watchmen is that they enjoy thirsting over women who are completely out of their reach. I tend to think that they are just okay with ‘kukula kwa macho’ only. They salivate over the female employees of a company they are assigned to or the high class wife of a home they are employed in. How will I forget the mboches? Estate watchmen chase mboches the way jogoos chase hens. Chill guys.
High school teachers
Male teachers that work in girls schools have the most difficult jobs. Especially if the girls in the school are hot. How do you focus on teaching when your eyes keep landing on dozens of sexy legs whenever you look down? It comes as no surprise that most male teachers get caught up in sex scandals. Last week I met a male teacher who told me how he befriends form four girls in his school and keeps them close but then waits until they have finished form four and are over 18 before he makes a sexual move. Quite a clever but evil strategy. As per his confessions, he has deflowered many girls. Thou shall go to hell sir.
Makangas
There is no way I was going to leave out makangas. These guys have so much thirst it’s like they eat Viagra for breakfast. They have no fear of ogling or dishing out comments about a female passenger when she’s there listening. Rumor has it that most makangas are actually true players, especially the ones that ride in the cool matatus. Free rides for females are repaid by sex. And have you noticed how a lot of young girls are so flirty with makangas?
Musicians
Almost all Kenyan musicians’ are fisis, even the holy gospel cats like Willy Paul. Musicians have the single thing that attracts females to them like moths to a flame, and that thing is fame. It must be fun not having to put in any work to get girls. Famous guys just sit back and scroll through their Whatsapp messages to select a chick that’s showing the most interest, like they are selecting a channel on DSTV or something. It’s all good through. Shag the Wanjirus and Akinyis.
Photographers
Young hot ladies take photos all the time because nowadays, there is so much pressure to look good on social media. Plus, most of them have nothing else to show in their lives other than their looks so they have to invest in crafty images. And it’s the people who take the pictures that get exposed to all kinds of provocative poses. Even I would be as thirsty as photographers if I was constantly exposed to that level of sexiness while directing girls to turn this way and that way for the best shots .
Model agency guys
I am not sure what their profession is really called so I’ll just call them ‘model agency guys’. Tunawajua sana. These guys lie to girls how they will make them the next top models but there’s a catch. The girls have to open their legs at angle 90 degrees and give up the goodies for chance of stardorm on the runway. These model agency guys end up feasting on these wannabe models until only carcasses remain out of their skinny bodies. Poor chicks.
Doctors
Gynecologists? Ummmm. How is life like when your job is to examine punanis for a living? Must be awesome huh? I have a friend whose girlfriend confessed that she was banged by a gynecologist. Her excuse was that he was so hot and the way he touched her parts made her so horny that she just had to beg him to shag her. And he gladly did. Put my friend In your prayers please.
Politicians
I don’t know any monogamous politician. Each one of them has at least two families. When God said “multiply and fill the earth,” politicians took that message very seriously. Wonder why queues of secret wives show up when they die? Nowadays a good number of the wanasiasa have also delved into the sponsor business.
Deejays
The problem with deejays is that most of them tend to think that they are more famous than they actually are. They go to chicks demanding for sex instead of requesting for it. Their pickup lines go like this, “I am DJ ‘So and So’, kwani haunijui?” Come on fellas. Only girls who go to that average club that you spin in know you. Learn some mistari tafadhali.
Lecturers
There was no way lecturers were going to miss in this list. All lecturers are thirsty, no matter how old or young. From the professor to the guy who was brought in to teach because he got a first class, they are all as thirsty as a Garissa goat. But with all the hotties in Kenyan universities, we can’t really pplace the tutors at fault. The only problem comes with the sex-for-grades- thing. Male students study hard only to get Cs while the females get As just because of taking the ‘D’ between their mouths. Yes, they swallow ‘D’s and get ‘A’s. How awesome.