TIPS OF HOW TO SURVIVE IN NAIROBI CITY. ( SHAMBA LA MAWE)

  1. Don’t go to downtown if you dont have to.
  2. If you move into a new house, use two padlocks no matter how of good quality they are.
  3. Ukitembea tao uskie mtu amesema “oya oya” dont turn just move to the side.
  4. When boarding a mat, check the condition of your window…thats where your phone might exit from.
  5. No one should pray for you on the streets regardless of your situation in life. NEVER!!
  6. Chapati will always be 10bob, Smokie 25bob, mayai 20bob…Keg mtaskizana.
  7. Afya Center…don’t even stop to swallow your saliva, pita ukikimbia. Walk mercilessly! And if you have hips,use them to pave way for yourself.
  8. If you feel lost just go to Archives, you will pick your bearing from there.
  9. Incase someone drops anything Infront of you ,don’t pick ,run like your life depends on it. Hata ukiitwa siste siste ,achana nayo. Utajipata huna Hadi panty.
  10. Instead of going to kanjo washrooms, just get into Ushirika house, tell the guards you are going to office 24, it is actually a washroom labeled by mistake.
    Kuna free parking Serena…play like yourself though…
  11. Wakati wa mvua usinyeshew Kama mimea Hapo kwa corridors, get in Supermarkets watch news from 85" Samsung Screen.Fanya window shopping hata kama hununui kitu
    Confidence ndio muhimu. Be smart nani!!
    14.When tired under scorching sun in town, don’t go to Archives or Hilton. Just go to KCB KENCOM, pick a bank ticket and sit there the whole day. You will have a great rest.
    15.Whatever you buy, must be packaged in front of you yaani mbele yako or else you’ll find yourself with avocado seeds instead of potatoes…Kama Githurai
    Never buy black shoes at night.
    16.In case uone any job openings ziko na phrase ya “send Whatsapp with the word Nairobi to a certain number,” jua tu ni wale watu wa AIM GLOBAL…
    Never walk in a straight line…walk like 2 mins on the pavement then change direction abruptly…vuka barabara…the main aim is to be unpredictable…
    19.Don’t talk to those old grandmothers on the streets. Even thieves grow old.
    20.Leave your Christian virtues and fruits of the Holy spirit at your home doormat. Think like a con and treat everyone like a suspect, otherwise you’ll get fixed.
    ★Never ever buy a phone, watch, electronics from a random person or shop in these streets.
    Additionally, never ever buy SECOND HAND items, especially Phones & electronics regardless of how cheap they are. Why? You’ll wet your panty the moment detectives track and catch up with you and tell you " Mwili tulipata, lakini kichwa mlitupa wapi? Si mngeweka tu karibu na mwili. Mbona mlimuua, si mngechukua simu na pesa tu na muende?"

Some of the numerous reasons why I never wish to live in Nairobi

Hiyo ya kukaa KCB Bank Hall the whole day ni risky stuff. You might find yourself scratching balls at Milimani…

There is one rule I lived by while I was a city dweller; be prepared for anything at any moment. Even playing by all the rules does not guarantee anything.

Mimi nilikutwa na squad mzima ya watu as I sat quietly in my 6 by 6 bedsitter, bored to death by what was being beamed to my TV by one of the local stations.

It all started one norning when there was a very loud commotion at the entrance to the compound where I used to stay. My instinct immediately had me off my sofa, discreetly parting the curtain to ascertain what might have been the cause. I was trembling 'cos right at that moment I remembered two guys that had recently been liquidated in that very estate.

Anyway, what I saw confirmed to me that a violent robbery was in progress, and I hurriedly made a dash towards my door to slam it shut before the gang of thugs could get there. But I wasn’t fast enough; just as the door swang to close, the ring leader’s weather-worn boot jutted in and put a stop to it, leaving me at the mercy of the gang.

The rest of the group poured into my shack like Nairobians jostling to get into a fourteen seater during a rainy rush hour. As the ring leader grabbed me in a chokehold, the rest ransacked whatever little was in the room in an apparent search for loot.

But what was curious is that as they turned my crib upside down, they took nothing. Only after their search (nay, destruction of property) revealed nothing, did the ring leader slowly let me go then identify himself as a police officer from the station close to where I stayed. Yaani these guys were actually cops that acted worse than goons, who had broken into the compound on a ‘tip off’ that some criminal was hiding inside.

The leader then proceeds to ask why I rushed to close the door?? WTF!!

Kweli D minus ni D minus.

Never leave your vehicle sunroof open …utatemewa mate na haters wako kwa matatu ama utupiwe magomba ya ndizi

Nairobi can be a very tricky place for someone who doesn’t tithe…

nairobi is a mess,takataka,sewage na ukora kila mahali…everything is confused,to an extent empires have been built on that confusion,trying to rectify the confusion means you have to fight those empires…no one is ready to lose.

:D:D:D:D:p

We chose Capitalism and here are now the effects

A country like Tanzania built on socialist principles is very livable.

Huku ukiongeza trubalism in the mix makes Nairobi to be a very hostile place

Nairobi is the least tribal of all towns in Kenya, tembea Kenya uambiwe ‘huku ni kwetu’.