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Memo No. 184 From The National Welfare Desk of Men

READING THE ROOM:CASE FOR SELF-CORRECTION

One category of people I admire the most are those who wake up one day and quit a habit (usually a bad one) for good without looking back.

I am talking about the folks who quit alcohol and you will never see them touch the devil’s piss again. Ever. I know a dozen men who haven’t touched alcohol in 20 years, and they are now healthier, stronger and run their families with sobriety.

I am talking about those who quit gambling. Those who quit the meaningless junk sex and sleeping around, instead choosing a life of chastity or quality sexual bonding with their wife or the right people.

Basically anyone who chooses what is right for them: good health, good family, religious discipline-basically, a honest life full of integrity and that is what guides them. You know these men who watch their diet, watch what words come out of their mouths, and they live such a chilled life, almost without the problems us mere mortals go through. Do you know how bad it feels like paying Sh 73, 000 ar a garage for your car to be fixed for something that was totally avoidable if you stayed at home, or you didn’t order that third and meaningless bottle of whisky?

Not to be preachy, I do admire men who have their life in control. The only accidents or mistakes in their lives are freaks of nature, or something William Ruto and Rigathi Gachagua are likely to do the next five years having a bad outcome on their savings or business.

I say this, because men being in control of their lives is more an exception than a rule. Most men have weak wills. They have no strength or courage to turn their lives around. To quit a life of meaningless vice, and take charge of their lives.

I have been thinking about the concept of self-correction. As a student at The University of Nairobi back in the day I took too many bottles of Guinness in a police canteen. I got overly familiar with everyone in sight and started insulting everyone around. Man, ile vita those GSU officers gave me. They made me a 6’7 tall man kneel down and beg for mercy ?no Mercy when I need her around) even as the girlfriend of one of the short cops asked the cops, “since when did these young boys become so disrespectful to a point of insulting you?” Man, don’t ever be on the receiving end of a beating where a woman is the inciter. I don’t want to say that I did relieve on myself the contents of the bladder, but that morning, with a swollen eye and wounded pride, I swore never ever to be loud or noisy where people are drinking. It was a moment of self-correction. It took me another 8 years before I made another drinking-related blunder. Partly because I was sinking into depression and I thought the bottle was the solution. One day I went so hard on the bottle and allow me to skip the part of what happened (nothing untoward though) but it shook me enough to seek help as opposed to running away from the problem. Generally, I despise alcohol when not drinking for fun or recreation and in moderation.

Succumbing to vices, be it liquor, drugs, junk sex, is the first sign of the inability to self-correct and regulate yourself. Other signs include giving up on yourself, blaming others for your predicament, blaming the system for too long for your troubles, not overcoming the psychological effects of your divorce and blaming your ex-wife two years after divorce for your unchanged status. Staying in the rage state for too long, refusing to do the hard work of readjusting and recalibration your life is another sign.

Every man entitled to a life of happiness, purpose and direction. Of course life throws in moments of sorrow and sadness here and there. Of course, your purpose in life will keep on changing, but the destination, your Truest North must never change. Steer towards it fervently. The direction changes. Detours inevitably will be there. But that is what adds adventure to this uncertain and curious voyage we call life…

Men usually fail to correct themselves because they can’t read the room. It is so wrong for a man to settle. We settle in our jobs. I have met men in their 50s and 60s still hang up on their retrenchment from 20 years ago and how it did a number on them, and still in court, battling some settlement of sorts. I know the damaging and horrible psychological effects of wrongful and unfair retrenchment. I am all for people getting their dues. What I don’t like is being stuck in the past. Because the past is so seductive, but it robs you your future. Move on.

We settle in bad marriages, put up with abusive partners because of children, or so we say when all along, all we suffer is oneitis, or we are too lazy to start over. I have seen wives who give their men clues, but the men stubbornly refuse to see. They hope their wives will turn around, or it is a just a phase. Then the wives cheat on them. Then the wives start disrespecting them. The men accept this bad fate, and choose to die, either instantly by suicide or slowly by depression as they see their world fall apart. I have seen women who drove their husbands to an early grave, and there is never even a drop of remorse or guilt in their eyes. In-laws condemn them, society gossips about them, but there is no karma or bad stuff that will happen to them. I blame the men for not taking the initiative to read the room.

Reading the room extends beyond bad marriages. Nowadays even when dating, I can smell the exact minute the girl starts to act funny and doesn’t feel my vibe. I pick the signal like I am on 5G. I like girls who dump you on spot. And I no longer entertain those who start passing the blame to me, ahead of giving me the certificate of participating in my own character strengthening development.

Most men lack a sense of intuition, either because of wilful naiveté, too much self-absorption, or the useless belief that they are God’s gift to the world. Yet the world doesn’t care. They keep getting humbled every day.

To learn to read the room will teach you a lot. It will teach about low vibes from friends. It will teach you disrespect from friends. It will teach when to quit (bad job, one-sided friendships). It will teach when to transition. It will teach you your place in other people’s life. It will liberate you from so much bullshit, free you from an abusive marriage, and you will live to tell. Reading the room will also teach you about seasons in your life. When to be an adult. When to be happy. When to be sad. And when to take action.

I am tired of these adult adolescents and delinquents. Last week at a party, this tall man, with beards, a father of three, stole a mzinga from the table thinking that he was being clever, but he lost all our respect. Anyway.

If you read the room right, self-correction becomes easy. To read a room is not to be overly critical, overly sensitive, overly paranoid, overly unreasonable where things have to go your way. I wish men can learn to relax and just chill. I see many men lately so anxious, unsettled and afraid. Not manly. To be a man is to be self-assured, no matter what.

Self-correction calls for sharpening of your intuition, living less on assumption, understanding that you are the sole driver of your life to your destiny. The weak get eaten. The indisciplined lead the most difficult life. The lazy lag behind. And the world doesn’t care. Your mother, may care a bit.

So, my mid-week sermon for you is simple: read the room and know where you are(in life, career, marriage, drinking and spending habits etc.), ask yourself, “is this where I want to stay, to be, for the rest of my life?” Your best answer is the self-correction you need.

Quick PSes

  1. Pale kwa Muhindi kazi imekuwa mingi, I didn’t send memo No. 183 on the debate about who is a High Value Woman jana. So nitatuma Leo. If you had not asked for it and you need it, WhatsApp me.

  2. I will be in town, always hala for a book or a drink.

Good days folks.

1 Like

There is extremely few among men that can do this.

Okay

@Willywonka this is a very fine piece of writing. It takes the strongest of men and the strongest of ills to abandon in a moment’s notice. I believe the strongest man is the one capable of walking away from a woman in a moment’s notice without attachments

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGPWW9Pjzto

Good Reading, keep writing!

A thousand upvotes for you sir!

  1. Not a lot of men have the will and self-discipline to break a habit INSTANTLY!
  • I’m fortunate enough to have nurtured the discipline to cease and desist from a habit at a moments “notice”
  1. Social awareness
  • This is the ultimate super-power and yet a lot of men just can’t seem to have the ability to read the fucking room. That’s why guys keep texting girls who use one word replies but if these guys understood what that meant, they’d stop instantly. You see guys that encounter disrespect from their friend on the daily but they just don’t have the social wherewithal to see it. I’ve seen men make a whole table uncomfortable by pushing certain conversations but they don’t seem to notice let alone see from people’s faces that everyone is fucking fucking embarrassed. It’s like they just don’t have any iota of social awareness. Because of the lack of social awareness, these people won’t ever have the opportunity to even self-correct because it’ll never get to that point. In order to self-correct, you have to be able to notice that the mood has changed but these guys fucking never notice you’d think they’re RETARDED. It’s like those guys who start calling your name loudly in a restaurant embarrassing you in front of your date or work colleagues. They don’t freaking notice! Such guys don’t realize that people are judged by who they associate themselves with. If you’re in a new social setting and then some stupid guy you know joins in and starts showing his social inadequacy by using inappropriate phrases or starting uncomfortably awkward conversations, the social group will put you and your stupid friend in the same bucket! Alas, you’re now fucked. I remember one guy did this to me in university abroad. I was in a table with some German girls and everyone was laughing, sharing and having a good time. This guy joins in and starts talking about “the nazis….hitler…etc”. I had to tell him to fuck off and go find his friends because WE don’t know him and we’re there to catch up. {Abroad, you can always count on a non-socially calibrated fellow African guy to fuck up your social/networking/dating opportunities because MOST African dudes are just borderline socially unaware on most contexts}

You’re the first person to call out this dysfunctional state of modern men. I always thought people knew it but just didn’t say it but I’m glad that you started this conversation. As a man, the most important skill to have is SOCIAL CALIBRATION where you’re able to seamlessly adjust your behavior accordingly depending on the environment you’re in. You should be able to camouflage like a chameleon in multiple different settings.

When I was in college, I took an anthropology class {I went to a liberal arts college} and the professor at the time simulated different social settings {a bar, an Italian restaurant, a professional working environment, a spot with men and women of different faces, and a football stadium ALL IN THE SAME ROOM}. The assignment was to go around every setting and we’d have instructors judging the interactions by giving social calibration scores! It was a really interesting class which really changed my life and how I approach social settings.

Shukran sana mkuu! I hope your post doesn’t disappear because it’s not talking about “lanyes” as is common on Kenya Talk.

Most men I’ve met (old, young, etc) live in real time. By this I mean the inability to calibrate what effect your current actions will have one minute, five, 10, 1 hour or even one month down the line; generally, future implication of your current actions. This is justified by the YOLO phrase (funnily, you live every day, not once). But the decay is past the point of remedy. This whole rotting fruit that is Kenyan society has to completely decompose. Lets hope the seeds released will spring up a better society.

Sorry man but I gotta say you come across as a very proud person. Even if a dude has cringy vibes, why do you feel the need to tell him to fuck off. That’s very stupid and your little show of bravado doesn’t make you any better than the guy you chased. So did you chase him infront of everyone ama? Being social and acting like a chameleon as you have said takes practice and some people are not good at it so we tulia. Clearly you do not like people who have social awareness, well, guess what even more people dislike proud people who wont pass at a chance to brag about how they can splash 100k in one night or studied abroad. Fuck off and learn to be humble. You fit in better at reddit. Shenzi sana.

1 Like

You misspelled you Name?
:smiley:

make this an anthem let all men heed and let us support one another kongole kaka

Hope @PHARMACY and @uwesmake can wake up one day and decide to stop insulting each other’s moms

Why should we ?

Please resolve your personal issues before spewing random thoughts online. Find God.

The world is cruel, and it’s clear that you’re too soft. As a result, you think the world owes you kindness. No dude. You’ve gotta be a monster, a fucking killer and developing social awareness gives you the tools you need to traverse this world.

Keep being soft and see how far you get. All the best brother!

Sound advice that everyone on this forum should heed to.