Horny me meets a smart hoe.

Wacha niwasimulie masaibu ambayo niliyapitia when I was young,naive, horny and utterly stupid.Its ironically my first encounter with these twilight girls,an encounter that marked the first and last step into the deep demonic dungeon of lanye sampling.

A few years ago.Mji ni wa Naks Vegas.Connections and greasing of hands here and there by my old man nikapata joboz na this road construction company.Mzae akanipea tips za kupartake the’national cake’ plus the usual pep talk before being given away to dunia.

Its now a year later.Kijana mtanashati ila mwoga ajabu.Nimeanza kuhung out na mabig wigs wa mtaa uko and before long nishakua mlevi.Taidy’s and waterbuck zote Along beddy Menengai highschool road is where we used to hangout.Classic places at the time.Good food.Quality services.Pretty girls.Sikuwaijua hao galdems walikuwa escorts ju i knew nay of such things.

I used to wonder mbona hawakam kwa meza yangu but visual psychology would later define the phenomena.These big boyz kumbe wakona natural swagger ya kuonyesha pesa.Cars,bellies(never knew vitambi and big bodies screamed of chums)Some luo/kale guy called Jolang’o would order a drink for everyone kwa club akijiskia.And above all, the ladies hapo,especially the mt Kenya babes have an inborn magnetic field that is pulled to mbesha.So despite all the pomp and the rubbing of shoulders with the mighty on a daily, cheque haikumake any tasty difference especially to a youngling like me since i was busy building myself.

Enter stage left, Cynthia captures my sight.Mtoto rojorojo, ndizi maini.A sure Instagram babe by today’s standards.Am 24 she’s 26(according to her) but anyone could mistake her for a teenager.Half Kikuyu half kamba with a tinge of asian blood.It wasn’t there biologically but you could physically point it out.Nywele ni ile ya Cate actress but sasa mtoto wetu yake ni nasharoo.Intonation ni ya Joey Muthengi na akislide into swahili mwanangu utadhani unapigwa interview na Lynace mwashighadi BBC.My first bet was chille is a campus baibez pale Egerton.Mannerisms,taste,accent plus fashion zikaniambia uyu ni mtoto wa ubabini and that i don’t stand a chance.And clearly i didn’t.So anapiga shots next table na her group of girls (most of them tastless,fat and out of her league.Hii ilikua redflag but mimi focus iko kwa toto laini; furthermore cute babes hukeep company ya ugly bitchez sijui mbona.Will research on that btw)Being a very introverted and keen to nuance kind of guy,haikutake time kunotice that all male members pale baesa wanaibia kichuna glances.That luo guy wa sifa kidogo ashaagizia warembo some expensive wine.Mimi ata courage ya kuapproach an average mbish sinaga so why not watch men go fist and pompous to win this beauty over.Man u yangu kwa screen inapigwa back shots na Aston Villa and am pissed off.

Consolation ni mtoto wa kike afew meters from me.I focus on their convo and i can eavesdrop some tit bits…princeloo… rugby sevens…ANC… can’t afford ticket…

Luckily for me,nilikua na background information ya the princeloo rugby tournament happening in a few days time… na thus i connected the dots pretty easy.And being a lucid worshipper of art,an avid supporter of precious craft,i needed to tithe it to God for taking his time on this damsel.Michaelangelo would have loved to carve this one.Leornado da vinci na Pablo Picasso would make a kill on her painting too.Huyu Ndayamond na Layfanny wangeimbia sauti zipotee.

Mimi nikasema wacha ninunulie yeye tiko akajimarket princeloo atleast nijue rohoni nilitangamana na malaika.So i went over,"Hey ladies,can i join you?"Izoh mang’ongo zikaniangalia head to toe alafu zikatoa zile sauti za Jackie Appiah.mstcheeew.Nikatiririkwa kijasho.Shock on me, toto si toto likatabasamu kisha likaniambia “yeah,sure”.

While small talking hapa kule,accent ya marekani mwanadada anainail kama Lynda nyangweso.Am impressed.I rate well articulated ladies highly in my books.I had to pull that ‘usinione hivi’ card atleast waone mimi ni sambodi.Hii time yote kumbe nasomwa.Aki nikikaa chini mimi hukumbuka hiyo scenario nikiwa na hardon inadeflate kama punctured tyre.

Yours trully nimejichocha vile nimework na this construction company for a year na upuss na vile naexchange minyambo na wakuu kwa field.The mbish is utterly impressed and we’re vibing at an altitude that we could be mistaken for old pals.Dem akaniuliza what i do with all that money na nakaa kijana mdogo.Hapo mi naye nikapull that cliff hanger…‘‘you should see my place.’’
Kamtu kakacheka and let me tell you maina,ile statement ya composition za highschool za my heart skipped a beat si vako.That shit does happen.It happened to me there and then.Meno wanangu.Meupee.Ulimi jamani.Its like it had a life of its own.Yaani hadi ulimi nanotice?I was really smitten.
"Ni wapi?"jeez.Wadau I had to look around to confirm hii ni reality.First of all i was a novice kwa mambo ya mechi and here i was almost fishing the tenderest meat in the wholeof Northern Sahara and Southern limpopo for my first ever slicing.

Moments later,toto si toto anadismiss mabeshte kisha sisi hao tunatoka nje.Its almost 11pm.The sky is ghey.Not that MGtOW bullchieth ya sim 2 fanatics hapa.Toto si toto ananipiga praises vile mara i smell good mara hajaifeel crazy for anyone vile saizi anafeel,mara she thinks she’s too tipsy ju never has she ever agreed to walk in the night na stranger let alone go into their house.Mimi nayo saizo napigia Sir Jah shukran baada ya Shukran.You know those blessings that come your way and you’re like…Jesus you lami tumachoo tumacho tumacho essess lamoo.

I did what any elder would do.Call my uber guy coz i didn’t have a car but had lied to toto si toto that nilipeleka Nairofi ifanywe engine overhaul.

Here we are at my place.She is impressed but si sana ju apparently as i think of it now she had to lay low.Mimi natizama mtoto nasema huyu heri nimwendee ukambani kamuti,ndumba mithea na mikia ya kwiro nijaze kyondo ile kubwa ilmradi akwame kwangu.Hahaaa.Nakula plan za mapenzi kumbe toto si toto anakula za kuomoka.

We ain’t sleepy.Kesho siko job.Mbish akanishow no hurries.She’s comfortable in my company.Kumbuka sijaambia yeye that nilieavesdrop story ya priceloo.Now is the golden hour.Ambia yeye pesa ya ticket iko plus ya mfuko…but for a little favour.Remember pia we are just vibing.Mimi mambo ya kukulana sijui mtu huanza aje so i pop it," nikikubuyia ticket ya princeloo utanipea nini?". Gosh aki si nilikua ng’ombe!

Toto si toto giggles,touches my chest and being the smart Mothefucker that she was,akaniuliza,“Unataka nini?”
Nikaanza kutetemeka kama the punny that i was.And our toto si toto instinctually felt it.

"Lemme shower then you do so after me.I’ll be in bed waiting.You will reward yourself."Smiles .I go berserk.

Kidogo…Aiii…nikaanza kushangaa mbona,if at all we are doing the big sinful deed,why not hit shower the two of us.Red flag two.

Again,she goes in with her huge handbag but i flag that off as a storage of her supply of toiletries.Mantaining all that beauty and glamour requires alot,right?

Few minutes later nimepiga cold shower and we are cuddling in bed.Stark naked.Naona vitu sikua nimeona in my short life.Nimembao vibaya sana.Sina cds kwa nyumba.Chicc tells me don’t worry.“I am safe and by the look of thing you look healthy.”

She goes ahead to tell me that i have to get her into the moods.Mimi saizo am very keen ndio nisiunderperform in my first sexcapade niingie ulingoni kama loser.But before that,she goes to the loo with her bag.I am too horny to even raise an eyebrow.She comes back smelling kinda weird.You know that smell ya hossy?That one.Lakini Abdalla ako full mast,anapiga pressups kama those jagathis kwa ukuta za choo ushago.

"You love my boobies dzaddy?Come suck them."Hahaaa.

Wadau you can guess wo hapuned.Wacha nijichekelee kwanza.If this village existed then,ningekua mbali kimaisha saizi.Izo redflags nimeziona kama zote hapa.Toto si toto alipakia toto jinga pishori kwa nipples.Long story short,ilibidi nianze maisha tena after kupata mshande end month.Fyu! kila kitu.Told the watchie and caretaker that she was galfie and we are moving houses.Nugu ilichukua hadi deposit.

Mbish was a seasoned high end lanye who used brains in her trade.She was later murdered hapa Nairobi in some mysterious circumstances but truth is plot was by a prominent person after kuattempt kumfuliza na kumtishia kuenda public.The news that the media fed us were obviously doctored.Apparently apart from brains, toto si toto used juju powers to trap and manipulate her victims.How true that is siwezi jua but design nilitokwa was smooth and clean.I must give the devil her dues.Wueh ata urembo niliona na kusifia mi huona nikama ilikua kifumba macho banae.But i learnt my lesson.Tough class that one.Watu ya pale Holy cross shabab wanajua this crazy story.

Unapeleka lanyes Kwa keja aje bila CD…

Hekaya safi

Hekaya za kitoto

Uliamka how many days or hrs later?

Chunga those Nakuru hoes

Upuss

Malaya hujua fala mapema sana

Thehekaya seems legit…until the last part.

How did you know what she was upto in Nrb and how or why she was killed (or died)???

Hehehehehe… Unabahati hukuamka kama umevalishwa KaCD hapo ju ya deki kaa kofia. Hekaya Swafi sana.
Im sure you see the beautiful ones nowadays and cringe a litto

Shiet. Fuck bana.
Is it that story about a UoN student?

Mama ya @Zessta Siagi ni malaya pale Rongai

Wueh hii stori yote juu haukudeenya mutuu

Hekaya safi

You are gifted man. This is talent. Are you a writer by any means? I like the way you pen it. Legit. Meanwhile yaani you swear by Michaelangelo, Leornado da vinci na Pablo Picasso na bado haukuli vitu? I am sure your Aggie akisikia hii atakuita msenge (weka coast intonation )

Ati unauriza maraya nikikubuyia ticket utanipea nini?:D:D You deserved what you got. Hekaya Swafii elder.

I see Aggie lives rent free in your head.In mine too.And yes I’m a hopeful writer.

Sijawahi wekewa mchele lucky i discovered hii kijiji mapema

Lucky you.But as long as you have a dick attached to your pelvic,stay alert.