#Repost
‘Long_Read_Alert’
TRIBULATIONS OF DEEZY
I am sited here having my super (Githeri Avocado). My sweet Msoo is busy watching a certain Indian Movie whose Characters are speaking in Kikuyu as. She is addicted to this programme hence I always end up minding my own business whenever she is watching. I don’t mind my business willingly. No…! It’s only that we have always been arguing because each one of us has a favourite program but l broadcasted in different channels. So last month we had to sign an agreement that was witnessed by three neighbours. It was settled that Muthoni should possess and be in control of the remote from 7:30p.m to 8.59 PM. And yours’ truly is to take over and switch to KTN News as i wait for 10:00 PM where i switch to Gikuyu TV. This is where i always travel to all parts of the world, alien planets and even the famous ‘Magharibi, mashariki, kusini mwa Kaskazini.’
To cut the story short, I am sited here having flashback on today’s activities and i remember an incident that happened in the Morning that left me smiling for the better part of the day.
Yesterday I received a call from a certain Indian client whom i was to meet today. Our meeting was to be held somewhere in the streets of Thika. From the way he was talking, i could tell that he was a serious client and there was a high probability that I might secure a lucrative business deal. The meeting was to take place at 9.00 A.M. Having had been so broke for the last one month, I had no single coin in My Pocket. The only precious asset i possessed was my golden ‘ngengeres’( or may be we should refer to them as ‘Bolingos’). They meant a lot to me. Every time i’d pocket my hands i’d massage them and knock them against each other and silently whisper, “Múmenye ingîkagaa gùtongaa, mangaii mútikanangûithie kana múnjonore. Mwîtanee kamúcemanio, na múiguithanie. Tondû díredaa mwatua kûrekereria múrekereríee mbegú ya billionaire.”( Translation, "If i will never become rich, don’t disappoint me. Call for a meeting between the two of you and agree among yourselves because the next set to be released, should be that of billionaires- referring to my future children)
Deep inside i swore that i won’t let this opportunity slide away. So Last night, before Muthoni slept, I borrowed her Ksh 100 of which I knew i could not receive it that easily. I had to sound sweet and promise her all sorts of heavenly things; of which I knew they may turn into a reality just in case things go well after meeting my Indian guy. I even told her to make sure she passed by Mama Kibanda and hull her all sorts of insults. The same dose was to be prescribed to Njoroo the shopkeeper. After all, our lives will not be the same in the next 24 hours. She gave in to my unguaranteed promises. She went back to her private bank and fetched me five 20 bobs which I safely kept them in My wallet. I knew I was sorted with the next day’s transport to Thika. I selected my favourite black designer Suit, a white Shirt and a grey tie and requested her to iron them for the next day was a big day in our lives.
So today I woke up very early in the morning, super excited and I kept on Humming to, “WalioKudharau siku moja watakusalimia Kwa Heshima.”
After breakfast, I hurriedly left towards Nairobi CBD where I took a back seat in a Thika bound matatu and in after seven minutes, it took off. And our first stop and our first stop was Ngara, Fig tree where three more passengers boarded. As you all know, one of them was to be squeezed on the back seat and so we were seated the four of us. The Vehicle took off and that’s when the drama Started.
I checked on my pockets and unfortunately, I had left my Wallet back in my Bedroom. I started praying in my heart and hoping for the best. I could feel sweat all over my body but I had no option but to think of a way out of this mess before things turns red hot. I took out my phone but unfortunately I only had 2 Bob in my Mpesa and i have never had a good Credit history with all Money lending agencies including Fuliza, Okoa jahazi and even M-Shwari. This was influenced by Branch INT which had Listed me with CRB Kindû two years ago. I had to pull a Quick Move. The Vehicle stopped at Roysambu and one passenger alighted as two more boarded. All this time the Conductor had not started collecting his due. It’s at this time a certain dude, who had all physical characters of a Luo from Kisumu or Bondo started complaining of how the Vehicle was Carrying excess passengers. As it is a norm, to be a Makanga, you must go through a few units om Rudeness and vulgar language. The Makanga responded to the guy by telling him that if he thinks the Vehicle is Carrying excess passengers, had he worked hard in school, be could have escorted Raila and Uhuru in borrowing SGR money from China. An argument ensued and I saw this one as a golden opportunity for me to save myself out of my current situation (No Fare) whose fate is unknown. I raised my voice, changed my accent and spoke in some dee English of Nose;
“Hey Boss, why are you rude to your customers? Don’t you know that they are your employers? Customers are always right and respoding rudely is unprofessional. Your discipline dicotyledoned and hybroricklated.”
As expected, the Makanga could not let it go, and he responded to me,
“Brathee,kwani unafikiria wewe ni nani?Tumeona wengi na Masuti, wewe ni nani Sasa? Mimi huezi niambia kitu Buda. Itabidi umekachora.”
This the only statement I had waited for.
“Okay Sir, you don’t even have your uniform, you don’t have a badge, y et you are here trying to harass your passengers. It’s Okay, you want to know whom i am?..!!!enheee? Then you will know in a few minutes. Be ready to face the wrath of your ill behaviour.” I responded.
With this statement, i saw him calm down, and I knew I had hit it while hot. He did not respond and after a few minutes, he started collecting fare. As we were arguing, I had already texted my partner in Crime, Keru;
“Manii kaka Mbrasaa, i need a Favour. I am in a mess and I want you to pull me out. Kindly call me in Five minutes and pretend to be my Worker and respond to what I will tell you. Cheza Kama wewe bro. Nakutambua.”
After five minutes, just as the conductor was w about to get to where i was, Keru called, and I picked. I made sure my phone is on loudspeaker. Though i lowered the volume to an extent someone two seats ahead of me could have heard our conversation from both ends.
ME: Good Morning Bwana Amos? Been calling you for the the last three hours and you have not been picking my calls.
KERU: I am sorry boss, I had been busy preparing the clearance forms.
ME: It’s Okay. Now I want you to pick my Car Keys from Juliet, then go to Davidson Garage and tell them I have sent you to pick it. And once you pick it, pass by Jeremy’s office. Tell him that I need him to accompany you as I want to meet him at Thika Matatu Terminus in 30 minutes. I have an Important operation that I want us to carry out. so remember to inform him that I am in one of the Vehicles that we had been tracing and i have already spotted the main suspect. Are we together?
KERU: Yes Sir!
ME: And before I forget, remember to tell Juliet to prepare the boardroom. I will be having an urgent meeting with all staff members at 2.00P.M.
KERU: I will sir.
By all this time, everyone was looking at me,l including the Makanga. He didn’t not even collect fare anymore, he went and stood in the front seat. He kept on looking at me. Most Passengers alighted at Kenyatta Road and Juja and by the time we were arriving at Thika, we were only three passengers. I could tell that the Conductor and the driver were worried. By the time we got to Thika, the Conductor alighted and I did not alight. He went and had a small conversation with the driver who after a few minutes came and greeted me.
“Habari Mkubwa? Naomba msamaha kwa niaba ya huyu conductor. Nimeishi kumkataza na haskiangi.”
I had to cut him short and I told him of how these guys have taken it too far. I even explained to him of how these guys needed a disciplinarian action and we won’t let them get away with it. He really begged me not take an action and I later pretended to have forgiven them and that is the time his face brightened. All this time I was laughing deep in my heart. After a few minutes, I faked a Call and left him as he joined other drivers and conductors who had converged in the far corner listening to whatever the Conductor was telling them. They were all worried.
Anyway, today i survived a possible Massacre. I Don’t how it could have ended especially if other touts would have joined their partner in demanding fare from me. To my brother Keru, I owe you unlimited rounds. Twethane gathee.
I remain your’s Trurly;
Deezy wamadogogio.
