CRAZIEST FOOTBALL HEADLINES

Now that we are so close to the new season here are some insane news story’s

• Roma fans greet players with 50kg of carrots at a training session for being shite.

• South African Tokyo Sexwale to stand for Fifa presidency

• Arsenal’s Alexis Sanchez victim of magic as Peru fans curse him with tortoise

• Are there good white soccer players?

• Asamoah Gyan holding press conference to deny he used rapper as human sacrifice

• Would there be a big controversy if hypothetically 11vs11 balls started to play with one human?

• Bacca mother: i would hit neymar wit shoe

• Shaqiri: “One time I was injured at Inter and Mancini sent me to a miraculous healer in the mountains. Didn’t help me at all. At Stoke we’ve got seven physios.”

• Hernanes on celebrating after scoring against his old club- “It was the saddest backflip of my career”

• Dele Adebola: I do not have Ebola

• Steven Naismith playing with Daryl Janmaats penis

• Zlatan apologizes for calling France a shit country

• Rolando Wins Ballon d’Or 2014

• “Balotelli is very nice, but he used to pee on our boots” - Kerlon

• I am not Hazard’s mother - Guus Hiddink

• Buddhist monks behind Leicester City incredible start, claims Vardy

• Marco Pappa of the Colorado Rapids allegedly stabbed by Miss Washington USA last month

• Ronaldo: I miss the big cute bear Ancelotti

• Tottenham’s Mauricio Pochettino: Dele Alli will learn if treated as naughty son

• Lasagna scores an injury time goal that will be hard to digest for Inter fans (Inter-Carpi 1-1)

• Benitez sacking not announced yet because the area for press conference is occupied for a kids party

• Pep: “We have options in defense - Badstuber, Neuer or sweet, sweet boy Kimmich”

• Michail Antonio is no Homer Simpson, says West Ham boss Slaven Bilic

• Russian top cop: gay pride parades have made French police weak and unprepared for mighty, manly Russian hooligans

• Russian MP: “I don’t see anything bad in the fans fighting. Quite the opposite: well done our lads!”

• Daniel Sturridge admits to spraying fragrance on kit before games and enjoying smelling of strawberries

• Slaven Bilic on Big Sam: “The players will respect him. He’s a big man. He’s Big Sam. You see him on the television, he fills the screen. You are looking for the board with the sponsors names behind. Where have they gone? You can’t see them.”

• PSG’s stambouli making decision about Popsicle move soon.

• Victor Wanyama confirmed his move to Spurs while speaking to inmates at Kamiti Maximum Prison in Kenya.

• Tokelo Rantie dropped from South Africa national team for farting at the coach: “The flatulence was so suffocating that the putrid stench continues to hover over the team like a dark cloud.”

• Liverpool defender Ragnar Klavan: ‘Jurgen Klopp sent me a selfie to prove it was really him’

• Harry Redknapp says he wants to sign Benoit Assou-Ekotto for Birmingham City, but the player wishes to be a pornstar.

• Shkodran Mustafi: "“I have spoken with Mesut, he told me everything. It was all very positive and I was quickly convinced, because I find the club horny”

• Leroy Fer on accidentally buying a €30,000 horse: “Sh*t I’ve got a horse”

• Mino Raiola on Twitter:DONNARAIOLA x HATERS 1-0 What’s next?

• Gianluigi Donnarumma: “The fans throwing dollars at me? I didn’t realise they were dollars, I only noticed later. It all didn’t affect me much though, because I’m focused on the Euros.”

• Porto claim they’ve access to emails which confirm Benfica spent €70k on witchcraft last season to help them win the Liga

• Mike Ashley: “I am not Obi Wan Kenobi in charge of the Death Star”

• Sven: ‘Why can I not have more than one woman at once?’

• Rangers legend Paul Gascoigne claims he used to touch Les Ferdinand’s penis before England games

• Gabriel Jesus was surprised how different was fart in the Premier League, says that there is one player in Manchester City that likes to show his naked ass to the other players and Kevin de Bruyne is the most playful, Kevin de Bruyne loves to say “Porra, caralho”

• 50,000 Chile fans set to protest against Alexis Sanchez’s girlfriend amid ‘fatter than normal’ claims

• Darius Vassell: ‘I felt as if the goat looked at me just before it was sacrificed’

• Neil Warnock on Asensio’s injury: “I hardly have hairs anywhere. My daughter can’t believe how smooth I am.”

• Isaac Success was arrested following the Southampton game after an argument with four prostitutes in a hotel. He refused to pay them as he could not get it up after drinking two bottles of Baileys.

• Dick Advocaat (Dutch NT coach) last week: “Sweden won’t win 8-0 against Luxembourg”. At the moment, Sweden is leading 8-0 against Luxembourg

• Theo Hernandez in controversy after celebrating his 20th birthday held at gunpoint by dwarves in Real Madrid kits

• New Bayern coach Heynckes at press conference: “My daughter and my wife advised me on my decision. Then my dog Cando barked twice and the deal was sealed.”

• Nathan Redmond: Pep Guardiola did not call me a wanker

• Lukaku looking at 3-match ban over Bong hits

• Carles Puyol slapped by dildo wielding fan in Russia after World Cup draw

• Moise Kean’s father claim Juve owe him farming equipment in exchange for a contract with his son

• Messi on his sons: “Mateo and Thiago are very different. Thiago is a phenomenon, more good and the other is just the opposite, a son of a bitch.”

• Franck Ribéry tells a fan to “go and eat his grandma’s ass”

• Balotelli asked some of his colleagues (Neymar, Boateng, Falcao and others) to record a video where they call his brother a liar because he wouldn’t admit his FIFA defeat

• Saudi Player faces jail time for dabbing

• Farhad Moshiri on Why Romelu Lukaku didn’t sign a new deal: “during the meeting (with Lukaku over a new contract) he said that he had to call his mother, who was on pilgrimage in Africa and had seen a voodoo who said he had to go to Chelsea”

• Sean Dyche: “I don’t eat worms and I never have.”

• Troy Deeney: “About five players have flicked me in the nuts. Wes Morgan was one of them.”

• Sandro Wagner about his goal: My Penis played a part

• 'I don’t want a minute’s silence when I die. I’d like a full minute of chanting “Warnock is a wanker”"

• Batshuayi when asked why he moved to Dortmund: "black and yellow are my favourite colours because I like Batman and Spongebob

• Di Maria: "Memes hurt us a lot, going to the psychologist helped me”