What you need to know:
What you need to know:
Sally has never had an orgasm, felt nothing during sex but got intimate for the sake of her marriage
She now wanted out, as she viewed intimacy as work
It is usual for couples to come for consultation together at the Sexology Clinic. I was therefore not surprised when Sally and Rogers walked into the consultation room holding hands.
“My wife just needs an annual medical check-up,” Rogers said.
I ushered them to sit and went ahead to take Sally’s detailed medical history. The couple was in their late thirties and had three children. They were both high school teachers and from the face value, they enjoyed a cordial marital relationship.
“Can you step out, I want my privacy when the doctor is taking the Pap smear,” Sally told her husband. He frowned in disbelief and for close to five seconds there was an uneasy silence in the room. He then stood up and walked out of the room. I was not sure what to make of the scene.
“I did not want him to accompany me to this clinic,” Sally said.
Incidentally, Sally had sex problems in the marriage all this time and which Rogers did not know. She had never had an orgasm. She felt nothing during sex. She however valued her marriage and offered herself for sex. Many times she felt angry at herself; she felt used and empty. She however convinced herself that it was worth soldiering for the sake of her marriage. She feared that without sex the marriage would crumble.
“But as you can guess a point reaches when one gets tired of sex work,” she said. “I do not want to do it anymore, I am tired.”
“Sex work!” I exclaimed.
Sally had introduced a term that most couples going through sexual challenges rarely use to describe their situation. Wherever one talks of sex work under ordinary circumstances people always think of the prostitute trading sex for financial gain. The term is not normally used to describe sex among a married couple.
“But truly it is sex work doctor, I use so much emotional energy to engage in sex which I do not enjoy in the hope that my husband remains happy and as a result that our marriage continues,” Sally explained, “isn’t the principle the same as when one offers their body for cash in prostitution?” I was not sure if the comparison made sense.
There was an important message: there are women and possibly men who do not enjoy sex in marriage. They pretend that all is fine and endure bad sex in the hope of keeping the family together. For them, sex is a duty for which they reap a ‘happy marriage’ in return.
“So the choice you have to make is to face reality and agree that we talk about these challenges to Rogers and look for a solution or that we maintain the status quo and you continue suffering,” I said. But Sally did not know how her husband would react. It had been 15 years of marriage and she had pretended all along. She was worried that he would be annoyed and would never forgive her for living a false life. She requested to have a few days to reflect before getting back to me.
Two days later Rogers called me. He was wondering what I had found when I examined his wife. She had been crying the whole time from the time they left the clinic. I requested him to bring her back to the clinic.
The couple was back in the clinic the next day. Sally was visibly distraught. I asked her if she wanted Rogers out of the room. She shook her head.
“Please tell my husband how I have lived a lie all these years, tell him how I have been faking orgasm, tell him how I have endured sex from the time we got married,” she said, tears rolling down her cheeks.
Rogers remained speechless as I discussed what Sally had been going through. His eyes turned red and he started breathing heavily. He stood from his seat, gently held Sally’s hands.
“I did not know I was hurting you all this time, I am sorry!” he lamented.
I was happy that Rogers took it well. I proceeded to do further laboratory, psychological and social assessment to arrive at a cause for Sally’s problems. After months of treatment and therapy, Sally was able to enjoy their sex life.
Prof. Osur is a Kenya-based reproductive and sexual health expert and a reproductive rights advocate